kalina

last night was bad.
after i was on here i just cried
and cried
everyday im fucking up
everyday i do something new thats unhealthy
im not strong enough to do this
and no one understands

I want ECT
I even called the hospital
at 10:08
I was told to call back in the morning to register
she asked if i would be alright for the night
I wish I had told her no

cause when i woke up
mom had called my doctor for some reason
and now my doctor wants me to call back
theres a lot physically wrong with me right now,
stuff thats not ed related
stuff with my hormones and nutrients
and the doctor thinks if she solves those problems my depression will go away
and with the depression the drinking, cutting and ed...
secretly I know shes wrong
because im only getting worse

thats whyI need ECT
and Im writing this all down in case it makes me forget things
Ive heard you can forget stuff in the weeks surrounding the treatment...
and also that its not one hundred percent guarenteed to help

so if it doesnt
maybe Ill be able to take suicide seriously

I hope so
cause Im so done

anyway, if my doctor gives me crap, then im calling the hospital back and then telling mom I will need a ride over.