madeofstars

Oh god I am such a dick. Was doing so well, lost 4.4lbs since Saturday and then BAM binge time! I dont even know what happened, I was all super motivated and then went upstairs to shower and do my squats and sit ups and then all of a sudden I was pulling on clothes and heading to Tescos to get binge food. Er, idiot! So I fucked that one up big style.

I feel utterly minging. My binge wasnt even worth it, it was shit food, tasted shit, didnt enjoy it, feel sick, feel full, got a headache, even after the second bite I hated it but just kept going. What a fool. I hate myself. Why do I always sabotage myself at every opportunity??

I think I was just sick of fighting the voices...the constant "restrict! be thin! starve! exercise! 100lbs!" versus "you're fat! eat! pizza! chocolate! theres no point in trying you'll fail eventually! it's only one binge!"....ARGH SHUT THE FUCK UP BOTH OF YOU.

I need to be stronger. I need to stop the voices. I need to get back in control. I know I say this every week but this time it will be different. 100lbs here I come. I know I can do it. It's mind over matter. It's all in myhead, losing is easy...not giving in is hard. I can do it. I'm stronger than this shitty binge voice.

Piss off Bingey McBingerson. Had enough of you and your fat disgusting ways. I WILL be 110 by Saturday. And I WILL reach 100lbs by the end of July. At the absolute latest.

On a slightly related note, I emailed my bf saying what a failure i was and how i needed help and he phoned and was like "why did you binge?" in a real accusatory tone. So i got mad. He's mad now. Argh. I dont know how to make him understand.