squirt

I posted this on my own page but i thought it would be better here, where people can actually see it. Well..If they want to read it aha, so i'll just copy what was already there and keep adding to it. Instead of clogging up this part of the forum with my updates, il just keep editing this one and adding to it if that makes sense.

Journey to Thin.
Okay, so this is purely for my own use, basically to keep me on track. I used to keep a food diary but I get so paranoid when I'm not at home that my Mum will find it when rooting round my room, I reckon they've been getting pretty suspicious recently :/ So yeah, anyway, feel free to comment, give advice etc, all welcome..However I know that a few people post threads like this on the forum so I thought I'd keep mine seperate. Bit of background, my ugw is 98, I want to achieve this by May 1st. My Lw was 93lbs, I'm 17, 5'6. I know that I can achieve that again, and I will. I'm being positive;I know I can do it!
When people on here ask whether I'm ana or mia. I never really know what to say. I'm too fat weight wise to be ana, however I purge - a lot, maybe this makes me ednos; although I don't want to label myself, just to give you a bit of background..
Plan for 6th March? - 200cal + one hour running + the gym.
I'll be updating this daily
Sat 6th. Did my one hour run, as planned,
couldn't get to the gym, as I live out of town and couldn't actually get there, so did loads of leg exercises, weights and sit ups at home.. So far had soup 45cal, green tea x3, 3cal, special k bar 89cal total = 137 but il round that to 150. So got 50cal left, its now nearly 9pm. Going oout with friends for a few drinks soon, only sticking to diet coke, going to avoid the alcohol at all costs lol!
Plan for Sunday 7th? - 300 cal day off exercise (only do running etc every other day) So will just do leg exercises, situps and weights. Shouldn't really need to use the whole 300cal but I'm gna be at home all day, which equals bordom! Argh...
Sunday 7th. - Last night was a succcess, only had one diet coke last night, was so tempted when everyone was drinking alcohol, was a bit of quiet one put it that way..
So far -its 5.30pm, managed to go today without anything! Which means I still have 300cal left for today. I'm going to see if I can just carry on fasting for the rest of the day, if not i'll just have something light like a piece of fruit or soup.. As far as exercise goes, 300 situps, and weights, my legs are aching from yesterday, hopefully will be better for tomorrow so can go running, well even if they aren't i'll go anyway.
So yeah its goin good man. Not even purged since FRIDAY! Okay so its only Sunday, but this is a breakthrough, or at least I'm hoping!
I've not weighed myself yet. Going from being obsessed with weighing myself, to being to afraid to. Maybe after a couple more days of this i'll brave it.
Already dreading tomorrow, at college from half 8 til 4 and I have to get up at 7, which means I'm gna need some sort of energy/food, I'm going to raid the cupboards to try and plan some sort of meal, I really didn't want to go over 400cal tho :/
I don't even know when I can plan for tomorrow, I don't wana go anywher near the kitchen in case it triggers a binge! PLus my mum and dad are having ther tea now, like a full on sunday roast, so thers gna be shit loads of food about. Maybe il just stay in the safe zone.-my room.....
Okkkkay now nearly 9pm, gave into food, shit wankkk I know,BUT i said i was allowing myself 300cal, and I had 40cal worth, and its curved my appetite otherwise I KNOW i would have ended up binging... Plus got food etc sorted for tomorrow.
So with 150cal sat, and so far 40 for today, I'm allowing 800cal for tomorrow, which is a mega amount but im gna be up really early and at college all day. I'm hoping I won't NEED all of the 800cal,and if I do I'll keep it as healthy as pos, ie fruit/veg.. andddd going upto 800cal should mix intakes up a bit ykno? then il go down to 400 on tues I reckon, not sorted that day out tho yet.... Will try and get my arse to the gym as well tomorrow, arrgh the joy!
Monday 8th.
What the fuck man.
Was doing sooo well, then woke up at 7 for col, had a fat free yoghurt 65 cal and a banana 110cal.
A friend then text me reminding me that my first two lessons had been cancelled, so I didn't actually need to be in until half one for afternoon lessons, but yeah i was up and awake and I knew I wouldnt sleep even if i tried to, so without even thinking I just ate a bowl of cereal for the sake of it, then two pieces of bread. Yes that is disgusting. Decided to go for a run, only lasted 40mins, came home, showered and all the rest of it - it was only 10am! and didn't need to meet my friends til 12ish.. so yeah I ended up eating another 4 pieces of bread then I actually felt sick.disgusted in myself. Told myself I was going to fast for the rest of the day.
Yeah you guessed it. ANother fail. I won't make myself feel any more depressed by listing everything I ate, but it equals to about 1500..
The worst is still to come. I STILL HAVENT PURGED..and i have all this crap inside me. I tried to this afternoon, but the fookin teacher wouldnt let me out, she was like yeah you always get out of my lessons and disappear for ages - err yeah cause all your lessons are after lunch ykno.. So couldn't get away.
I got home and I couldn't even bring myself to do it, Ive never felt like this before, I norm wouldn't think twice about doing it. I'm sitting here and its STILL inside me. I feel fat, disgusting and just urgh!
Today has been shite, but isn't it funny when someone tells you how it is, gives you a reality check that makes you see sense... I love that fact that this person is harsh on me, but really they're only telling me the truth, but in their own way they're being nice and only telling me what I need to hear. Thankyou!
IF i was to have lost any weight from the weekend, i've more than likely put it back on from today, SO I'm not going to weigh myself until Friday morning.
For the next three days:
Tuesday 300cal
Wednesday 350 cal
Thursday 500cal
Will do an hour running on each of these day, plus all the norm, leg exercises, weights, situps etc...
I'm going to prove to myself I can do this, the next few days need to be about getting a grip of myself, getting in control and finding ana again! The weightloss of course will be great, I need to find my control first...
Tuesday 9th. So today was meant to be 300cal and an hour running.
Did the hour running, AND went to the gym, its still not enough tho.
Not happy about the fact that ive already had 283cal and its nearly 4pm, i really need something to eat, I fel so shakey from doing all that exercise, but don't wna go over 300cal :/
I feel like shit.
Think I need to go on a run again.
FML.
FAILURE. FAT FAILURE!
I ate a whole pizza.
For the sake of it.
Because I'm gready and wanted to punish myself for having 283 already.
That sounds stupid. But binging is just a way of punishing myself.
And yeah, I purged it.
I don't know what I'm more upset about.
That fact i ate a fookin pizza, or the fact I binged?
I promised myself I would stay in control these three days and not purge and just exercise.
I couldn't even do that.
I don't deserve to be thin.
I let myself get this way, it's my own fault.
I couldn't even go on another run, my legs are aching so much they feel like they're going to fall off.
Maybe that would be a good thing.
At least id weigh less.
Mood? Fucking depressed man!