scarlettsupper

The mornings for me have become the most stressful time of the day.

It is in the morning that I have to run to the toilet in my tired state, get rid of the 2(or so)litres of water I've forced down my throat the night before, and then rapidly pull out the scale, only to find the numbers either have not changed, or have even gone up because I can't seem to get over my addiction to litres of water throughout the day - even though I know it makes me gain water weight and is probably doing me more harm than good.

It is also in the morning - rather than the night before - that I experience my guilt for eating before I went to sleep.
Just before I go to sleep, I sometimes panic about what I'm doing to my body, and quickly shove food down my throat [this may literally just be a handful of almonds/an apple/or in bad times a sandwhich] sort of as a way for my concience to feel better about what I'm doing to myself so I can sleep better. I do this pretty much every night - the hand uncontrollably forcing food into the mouth. Most nights it's with very low calorie food and so makes no difference to my day's restriction.
But no matter how high or low the calorie content was, I always wake up feeling like shit because I HAVE FAILED AT THIS. I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL, NOT EVEN ENOUGH TO NOT EAT A FUCKING APPLE BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP. LOSER.

I wish my brain would just die already to let me be sick in peace.