I Would Die to Have It

Really, where do these lunatics come from? He gets hysterical after taking a lot of sleeping pills and losing his memories of everything that happened over the weekend. (Happy Late Fourth Of July Even Though That's Not the Correct Historical Date for the Signing of the Declaration of Independence). I hang up on him as I drive back to the country because I can't hear those haggard breaths anymore; I remember cutting myself and making those sounds. I avoid ice cream and everything delicious. Food can't save me but Kahlua can have a good try.

Drunk me is a slave to the drive thru, especially Taco Bell. Stoned me likes lettuce.

It's been an easier change than I'd anticipated, moving in with the girl from work. I don't purge anymore. Or cut. She manages the local McDonald's and I work for the legal office for Abnar Inc.. I observe three different locations and prevent rule breaking by looking austere. I spent long hours under an unpleasant shower of steamy water one night. The pressure washer for the dishes had bust a pipe, and I had to stand in the corner of the 'dish pit' and make sure no employees touched the exposed heating coil. I would believe no reasonable person would want to touch it, but you need to know that people injure themselves regularly for lawsuit money and exposure. The smart ones don't want the exposure. I'll need to subsidize my income with a second job soon, or else I won't have enough money for my trip.

Although, I've been thinking recently of scrapping the trip entirely. Or perhaps only going to Cali to celebrate a friend's recent engagement. Although that could wait another year (she didn't know a popular hotel reception venue needs at least a year's notice) and then me AND all my friends could have more time to get the money we need together.

*sigh* I need to stop looking at thighs. Human legs are starting to repulse me altogether.

I ate an M&M McFlurry today and got sad when I saw the poster in the window advertising it. "creamy SATISFACTION" was the tagline put around the Oreo and M&M poster McFlurries and I thought 'Not today. Not satisfied today'. I pouted because I could guzzle down all of the lowfat icecream mimicry from that frosty machine. I could. But I am never, ever satisfied. I feel really hungry all the time, and not just because I currently don't eat during daylight hours.

I hunger for things I can't describe. I'm reaching for things made only in my imagination, or barely yet formed in reality. Time ticks by and I'm lost over and over because I'm too fucking focused on my APPEARANCE. Can I help it that I notice the significant difference in how I'm treated now that I'm active and healthy? The respect my body gains me in a land of 'hearty' country people? How good clothes make people react by giving you things for free?

I want someone for whom I can cook. I've been craving physical touch lately, too, and even admitting it to myself makes me recoil. I watch one cooking show after another, and even though I can recall no fewer than ten One Pot Wonder dishes off the top of my head, I have not a single person for whom I can lovingly cook, no one who hopes to get a meal from me. A guy confessed he liked me then passed out at a party, and I briefly considered pulling his arm around me to feel close to someone for a moment, then I felt an offensive sensation come over me, the same sensation that comes over me after I think of eating out of the trash. I cried about that for what felt like a long time in the car today. Perhaps forty minutes? Looking forward to having my brain back after my PMS is over.

The girl from work is helpful and bubbly. I'm happy that we don't eat the same things. She gets chocolate Poptarts and I get Nut-Thins. She has hotdogs and chili and I have lean turkey and onion rolls. She has a gallon of whole milk and I have a half gallon of almond milk. I bet she loses at least ten pounds by Christmas, just by living with me. She doesn't know how much I exercise yet.

*hangs head in hands, reminded:* Christmasssssss.....Barely six months away. I don't want to even think of preparing for Christmas again yet.