I Would Die to Have It

That was enough to discourage him-- and embolden another! As he walked away with his hands in his pockets, I could already see another guy across the garden watching the scene and looking as though he were...happy, while trying to wind through the severe layout of the rocks and bonsai landscape towards my corner lifted-patio perch. I decided then to flee. I put my sandals back on, tried to be graceful and fluid while I stood, straightened and tugged down my shorts/romper, and rolled up my bamboo mat VERY abruptly approximately two minutes before the start of the event.
I made sure to say proper words of goodbye to the lawyer("These mosquitoes are swarming and it's killing my concentration already"), so he wouldn't think it was his presence that drove me away, and after my walk through the orchid house and past the blue lotus lagoon, I drove away from the actual mosquitoes swarming in the sunset. I went to a safehouse to change and freshen up early for my birthday dinner.
Dinner on Magazine Street- I first assumed my brother trapped in FL bc of the crazy October hurricane but the usually tardy ACTUALLY shows up first- an appreciated anomaly. Separate birthday cards from mom and dad- mom's has what I need: a Walmart gift card that will be used exclusively for groceries with a white heart that says LOVE. Dad's has something i want (because he asked, what do you want?)gift cards for dance supplies (shoes, tights, leotards) that blatantly refuse to work later when I use them online and their email support is no help at all.
I got a text earlier that day about a work meeting and I basically missed it bc of a suuuuuper slow waiter that never really took care of us. I get a new work schedule (that winds up not working out past the first week; once the manager that hired me is let go, I was out the door the following payweek) and I go happily back out into the warm air of the French Quarter in my strapless chiffon cocktail dress and satin peeptoe pumps, down the block to the outdoor art market where I once got a grey and black shawl woven in an assault rifle pattern. No longer small, decent goods for a small, decent cost. No $15 accessories here. No $5 handpainted postcards. I see multitudinous prints priced for $50 &100 (shipping not incl.), expertly bound oiled-leather journals ($45 each or 3 for $100). After that, go to the sister bar where the jazz band starts singing "I went to Dots Diner" Better than that Audubon Zoo song, but I drank enough to enjoy anything. Unbeknownst to me then, Christina Aguilera would be in the same bar some days later, being turned down by the band leader when she wanted to get on stage. Still- no one properly complimented my dazzling shoes. A travesty that causes injurious personal offense I work hard not to show.

Two weeks later was an engagement party for a couple that sincerely believe a wedding will take away their large self-esteem and trust issues. It's a different couple than the one before, that broke up over the pre-nup. Such a shame because the bride could have had everything she needed, and the only thing I cared about was small- being the only white bridesmaid/guest at a raucous black wedding.

While I waited for my allotted anchor-guest (my +1) to arrive, not shy that I intentionally told them it started an hour later than it really did so I could enjoy some of the party without an arm barnacle, I found myself hiding behind a bleached cement column when all I needed was the help of a size 18 bridesmaid literally twice as wide as me. She's seriously almost 400lbs and--
SHe's sO sHORt (0__0). The house is large and party layout is cute and all the guests try to behave- when out of nowhere some people from the bride's birth family- who the bride had never met before- were announced and she JuST fREakED oUt so I had to tell her (along with her fiance and another bridesmaid) that no one knew it was her first time meeting them, no one would be embarrassed or awkward if she just played it cool like she already knew they were coming and just be happy to see them. It went smoothly, and though they seemed too shy to cross the threshold of her adoptive parents' house except for necessities like the toilet or refreshing drinks, they greatly enjoyed the outdoor decorations and barbecue, and the bride was happy they stayed so long and talked so much.
I was counting shrimp pasta calories, avoiding it until the very end and it was DELICIOUSSSS.
I tried shunning the carbs and sugars as much as possible, eating fruit kabobs and deviled eggs and meatballs and grilled venison- one tiny bite after another. Don't cover more than half the fork. I barely put any food on the tines at all! But people still want to talk to me, the mysterious maid of honor who literally just met the bride compared to her female relatives and school friends, so I flirt to divert questions. I don't want to have to say I'm the most mature *COUGH OLDEST COUGH*.
The reality is that I'm just a hired hand, but I can't say that. I'm a crisis management expert engaged soley for the purpose of making the most controlled disaster wedding possible-- but I can't say that, either- nor can I say that all of the bride's other bridesmaids are terrible with any large-scale responsibility or planning beyond their next makeup tutorial. But people still want to talk to me, the maid of honor, how long have you known each other, when did you become friends, have you always wanted to be in each other's wedding? 'Actually, I knew the groom first.' I want to say, but I know what assumptions would be made about that and (out of consideration for the bride's feelings) I don't want anyone making presumptions about he and I having some kind of previous romance. I mean, he's 4 out of 5 ways my physical type but that's it. And I rely on a man's mental acuity more than anything when it comes to personal attraction.
I flirt and keep the focus turned on others to divert questions so I don't have to say I'm just a hired hand that knows the groom from the vampire coven.