Jennifer

Sunday, May 2, 2010
I want to die
I suppose this short phrase is a perfect and exact summation of what I feel. I'm guessing this sounds pretty pathetic, redundant, and maybe even boring to some. But guess what? I just don't give a fuck. I mean, what I feel now-right now-is hurting me. So I suppose it is important, no? Even if it's just important to me?
Anyway, I just finished crying-less than a minute. But-ugh-I'm sick of all my bullshit. Why do I do what I do? Why do I have this fucked up relationship with food? I was doing so well. I was losing weight, and I felt happy. There was other shit going on around me, but I was able to deal with it with a bottle or with some white, or maybe just by putting myself in danger of being raped (I know I'm being cynical). But I was happy.
Because the less of me I saw, the better I felt. I loved seeing my bones...
So right now, I'm stuck in this disgusting cycle of binging...and purging whenever I'm strong enough-and not being pathetic and lazy to get up and do so. But there's a lingering '?' that I can't seem to find answers to. What triggered this sickness? How could it possibly happen out of nowhere-so abruptly?

Sunday, May 2, 2010 (2nd Post)
Disgusting
Do you want to know how fucked up I am? Ha.
I'm fucking waiting for my mom to come home with sweet bread so I can stuff myself and then feel bad about it afterwards. And to make matters worse, my older brother just got home so now I won't be able to purge.
Three more days until my brother goes to the Navy...
At first I was pretty excited about it-just think, I would go out as much as I wanted, have people over, work out as much as I wanted...
Now all I can think of is I can be a fat pig as much as I want...
WTF?

Monday, May 3, 2010
This is me still rambling about shit on Sunday night...
(I just didn't get a chance to get to the laptop before my mom furiously slammed the door in my face...ha).
"Ahh. I'm seriously fucked up. The craziest thought just went through my head: I want a baby. And the more fucked up part...minutes later, I still haven't taken it back. It's all for the wrong reasons- I know. I'm just lonely and depressed. I need someone who will love me, and I need somebody to love (like that one song...ha). Man- how I wish I were dead. Right now. I used to think there was something keeping me here. But honestly, nothing is. So why should I go on?
(Okay, why did Bristol Palin pose in that ad for the candie's foundation? Have you read what it says? She's a dumb bitch.)"

Monday, May 3, 2010 (Second Post)
No more bullshit
Okay. I know what my real problem is- my weight. I need to be skinny to be happy. In March- in April- when I was 5-10 pounds lighter, I was happier. So I've decided I need to JUST STOP.
Stop with the bullshit.
Stop with the drama.
Stop with surviving.
If it means I kill myself, then let it be.
I will relish in the happiness it will bring for as long as I can.
I'm just going to stop.
Because I'm done gaining.
I'm done suffering.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Back to school
I had not been in school since April 23, 2010.
I'm back.
And it sucks. I don't feel like talking to anyone. Everyone irritates me. I just want to be alone.
All I can think of is: "How soon willl I be able to get fucked up? "
All I can think of is: "Will I be strong enough today to not be such a fat pig?"
All I can think of is...I'm in fucking pain.
Last night, or better said earlier this morning (3:00 -ish?), I got the sudden notion that I wanted to throw away all of my things. Or give them away. Whichever...frankly, I just want to get rid of all things in EXCESS.
Anyway, the shit pretty much hit the fan. I believe my mom has officially reinstated my lockdown from a couple of years ago.
I'm trying to deal with it the best I can...
But I'd rather not think about my forever deteriorating relationship with my mom and how I'm becoming resentful towards her for making me out as a slut in her mind and everyone else's....
My fucking throat burns. I didn't think that purging would have such quick consequences...
Or maybe it was the white. I don't fucking know.
My sugardaddy's back!
But even that refuses to bring the same pleasure it once did.
Everything pretty much just...sucks.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Lock me up in a cage...please?
Omg. I don't know anymore. I thought I was doing so well today. It must have been that fucking iced cofffee from McDonald's...
I hate fast food restaurants. I hate the whole fucking processed food industry.
Oh, god. I binged. And I'm still binging right now. 2 fucking hours. Ugh. Purged. Took some Ex Lax. Ugh.
FML.
My angel lost his brother.
I knew something was off about him.
I should stop being such a selfish bitch.
Why aren't I strong enough?
The human body is just so fucking WEAK.