I feel like a complete idiot. Why do I keep bingeing & purging day after day when I hate it so much and it keeps me fat and unhappy? It seems like it should be so easy to just stop, but I don't! I just don't! What the hell is wrong with me?

Actually, last Thursday I didn't do the binge/purge thing, I guess because some people in my math class were really nice and I felt really happy for some reason. I usually don't feel like that. I didn't think that I was unhappy normally, but now I realize how much different it felt being happy. I want to feel that way all the time, but I don't. I wake up feeling fat, I go to classes thinking about how fat my legs are, I come home and feel sickened by myself and by my family, I just feel like throwing up because everything disgusts me. Because I'm a disgusting person, because I'm around disgusting things.

It doesn't seem like there's a point anymore. I remember once thinking that losing weight would make me happy, and I'd be able to wear cute swimsuits and feel pretty and do fun things with my friends. But that's stupid. I don't want those things anymore. And I'm so regrettably ugly--being skinnier won't fix that.

Why bother with losing weight anymore? What do I do with myself? I get good grades and stuff and it seems like I should have a "bright" future, but I can't deal with that. I can't deal with being fat and unable to be friends with anyone and unable to do things I want to do because I'm too fucking fat and I don't deserve shit.

So... I dunno. I think everyday I need to stop this bulimia thing, but is there a point?