What do u do when ppl just dont get it?

[Thru_The_Looking_Glass]

So, I kno Im always giving advice on here, but I dont kno what to do about this. Ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We actually started dating when I was in treatment 3 days a week. He went thru all the serious stuff w me when I was really sick, but now 2 years later its completely different.

I relapsed in the past few months, after being purge free for 5 months. And he throws stuff and yells at me and slams stuff when he finds out that ive been puking (mind u, hes 27 and obviously acts like a child). And he tells me to just stop and that its not a real disorder. He thinks that because I have to make myself puke, that I could stop that action if I wanted to.

I cry to him and try to explain that its not that easy, its not black and white. Its not a rational process. There are feelings of guilt and anxiety that coeincide w that amount of food intake. And he just yells and says that food can not cause feelings.

I try to explain to him what depression feels like and his response is just get out of bed. He doesnt get that its not that easy.

Ive also tried to explain to him what I need from him, and that the way he responds only makes my situation worse. His response is usually along the lines of, he wishes I was normal or he wants a normal relationship wout issues.

I just dont kno what to do, i love him and hes great other than w my ED. Could you stay w someone who didnt get it and invalidated ur feelings?

Sometimes when hes yelling at me about it, I feel like Im battling my own invalidating voice in my head.

Any advice would be great.

[CountingRibs]

Well hunni

Your in a difficult position, I know that having an ED isn't easy but I think it's harder for those around us, for example, your boyfriend - it must be pretyt hard to see his gf puke up all the time and on some levels he is right, you coud choose not to do this, however once Bulimia or any type of ED gets a grasp of you it's hard to just shake your head and ignore it.

I feel sorry for your boyfriend cos like I said it's not easy for him knowing that you are suffering from something that he can't help you with, however maybe he should be a bit more understanding - you should try explaining to him that he doesn't know what it's like for you and then tell him if he can't accept you for being you then there's no point in being together.

I don't mean to sound harsh or anything but he's not making things any easier for you, I truly hope you two overcome this obstacle, if he is such a man then he will accept the whole of you and not just the bits he likes here and there.

Let me know how it goes
Gd luck chick
xxx

[greyrain101]

Hi honey, I have a similar situation to yours and trust me its not easy. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 yrs now and although I have been bulimic since the beginning, he does not get it. He gets irritated and agitated with me. However, I found something that seems to help him understand. I had him sit down with me one day and I shared everything that caused me to become bulimic ( I have some pretty scary storys). Then we looked for things that he does out of habit when he becomes upset. For instance, he goes out and works in the garage. So for a week, I asked him to stop working in the garage when he becomes upset and to stay with the problem. (like if the problem was me to stay right next to me). After a couple days he started to realize why i purge. I cant get away from the problem and I have no way to release it. I don't kno if this will help in your case but sometimes it takes something simple to make them see

[FishFace]

It feels so weird when people don't understand bulimics AT ALL. I recently told a friend about my problem, and her reaction was pretty much "just stop doing that! it's bad for you! it won't help you lose weight, just eat lots of salads!"

I said "I KNOW it won't help me lose weight"

She asked "So why do it?"

"Sometimes it's the only thing that makes me happy."

"You need a hobby"


Anyway, I don't think there's really any way to put someone else in your shoes or make them know what it feels like. Yet sometimes I wonder about people who say to just stop. They seem to not care. I mean, it doesn't help. I suppose they would tell a crack addict "You're in control of your actions, just stop! Go get a job." Like they'd reply "omg, you're so right! thank you!"

Thru_The_Looking_Glass, maybe I don't know, but it sounds like your boyfriend is being pretty goddamn immature, or he's letting his emotions control how he acts (hmm, kinda like us bulimics). I hope for your sake and his that he learns to deal with this and stop attacking you instead of your problems.

And 'food cannot cause feelings'? What the FUCK does that even MEAN? I can't imagine there's a single person around here who could believe that.

[lalalalaah]

greyrain101 that idea was genius, I have to say (: I can't really relate because no one knows I have and ED to complain but the whole 'food cannot cause feelings' isn't just bullshit for people we ED's but pretty much every girl! (nothing sexist in that at all) But I know even my very unweight concious, dont give a shit friends are bothered by food every now and again.

But yeah, I hope you two work it out, he sounds like he's just having a hard time since he was so good about it in the first place.

[Thru_The_Looking_Glass]

Thanks for all the advice. And I kno that its hard for ppl who dont have the disorder to get it. Ive just never had anyone respond to my bulimia the way he does. And the weirdest part about the whole thing is that he has a history of mental illness in his family, schizophrenia. So, he should understand, better than most, how trying mental disorders are.

Greyrain, I really like ur idea. The issue is that my boyfriend and I live 200 miles apart and wont be together until july. But i might try it then haha. He has type 1 diabetes and my therapist always says that its strange that he cant comprehend my abnormal relationship w food, bc most diabetics have feelings toward food.

Fishface, I love the crack head quote (I was cracking up). I kno what u mean tho, to everyone else its just as simple as dont do it, like thats the cure all and we havnt thought of it yet. I guess bulimia tends to coeincide w mental retardation as well.

Counting ribs, I kno its not easy for the ppl around me and I kno that it kills him to see me hurt myself. Over the weekend he apologized forbeing so harsh w me and said that he will do whatever to help me BEFORE I purge and hell be a suport system for me. But, he said do not ever call me after uve already done it and tell me uve done it cause, I quote, "I hate you in those instances and I think ur a fucking idiot". Very harsh, boarder line verbally abussive, but its progress. He atleast wants to help haha. And like u said its difficult for him in those instances and i have to respect that.

Once again, thanks for all ur help.

[FishFace]

Thru_The_Looking_Glass, I hope you use your boyfriend's offer of help before you end up purging. I had a friend say I could call him if I needed, to get through today. I really wish I'd taken him up on that, but instead I invested my emotions into a huge pile of cookies. Looking back, I wish I'd just tried to call him the moment I was feeling mentally weak and unstable. Today could've been a lot better.

So... yeah. Support systems can really help, I just want to remind you and myself and everyone to be sure to use them.


After I've gone and purged, I just don't feel like talking to anyone or anything.

[Smilexx]

I just don't tell people I'm vomiting... Like I've thought about trying to explain it to them, because it would be easier, but it's not worth it. i'd have people watching me to be sure I ate all the time, and it would get so complicated.
It really is just much simpler to keep it from my boyfriend and my family and friends.

[ReiseOhneEnde]

If your boyfriend is throwing things and yelling, he sounds like a toxic influence. I have a hard enough time dealing with eating problems without anybody hating me or verbally abusing me for it! Honesty, if I were you? I would at least take a break from him. Bring some control back into your life. I know that food = control for me, so maybe if you decided to focus on controlling how you let other people treat you, it'll give you something better to focus on.

Think of his yelling and screaming at you as a binge - overflow of emotions, too much to handle, and yet it probably feels good because you hate yourself in some ways, and his yelling makes you feel like he cares. But that's all an illusion; it's toxic. And you have to purge it - i.e., get some space. Take a break from him. Go driving, go to a movie by yourself, etc. Get all of that toxicity out of your life.

I wish you all the best and I'm sorry he's being such a jerk.