I stopped purging... (venting?)

[Heba86]

So I have finally had enough of throwing up and laxatives. My teeth hurt too much- I haven't been able to eat on my right side for over 2 years now and my dentist refuses to do anything about it. She said she would give me a root canal if I wasn't so young and that I should just learn to live w/the pain. And I have completely destroyed my stomach. So I stopped purging maybe 2 months ago. Since then I have been eating 800 calories or less, but In the past 3 weeks I have been trying to keep it under 400. I have a few dizzy spells here and there, but I'm overall ok.

I had 900 calories today, I feel awful. I'm just sad bc I've plateaued- I'm not losing weight anymore, I'm just stuck.

And maybe what has me the most worried is that I have the opposite problem of most other girls, instead of losing my period it has just become more intense. I have had my period for 2.5 weeks now. I'm bloated and cranky.

I've just gotten really depressed, more so than usual. I'm in my I don't want to be seen by anybody mode, which is fine bc I usually don't go anywhere anyways, but it's gotten to the point where I can't even sign onto AIM/MSN or reply to emails bc I feel like they (my friends) can see me...

Gosh, I'm going crazy aren't I?

[Ranne13]

i'm so sorry you're going through this! i understand. it's a vicious, dirty cycle. i commend you on stopping purging. i'm anorexic/bulimic. i can't digest anything, so i feel sick even just by one grape, and TU (throw up). For me i stick with what does work and feels okay. very small amounts throughout day. 1 dannon light n fit yogurt, 1 wasa light crisp.

you should probably eat very easy to digest foods, since your stomach is so damaged, you need to take care of it and let it heal. bland foods, not hard to digest foods- juice, yougrt, ensure, saltines, white bread, white rice, light cranberry juice is really good on your digestive system. to treat the depression, you need to eat some nutrition. that'll raise seratonin levels, "happy" feelings. take a walk everyday, get fresh air, talk to someone you trust everyday and makes you smile to socalize. hope this helps! make sure you brush and floss after everytime you eat. sleep regularly every night too. not trying to tell you what to do. just brainstorming ideas =)

[Heba86]

Thanks, I appreciate it. It's awful, but my stomach just does not digest anything anymore. I have to down an entire bottle of prune juice, constantly eat vegetables and take fiber pills just so I don't feel so painfully awful.

It is just a cycle of binge, purge, restrict. And every time I get into the restrict phase I say no more binging and purging. And I really think it is going to stick this time, I am just so scared of getting back into purging sometimes.

Sometimes I wish all of this would go away, but really I am way to afraid to let go...

[Ranne13]

omg! reading what you wrote sounds like it's coming from me! i know exactly what you mean! when i'm in my restrict phase, which is ALL day. i'm so adamant, so confident, and TU disgusts me. and i say "i deserve to eat" i deserve nutrition, this is being good to me. and i'm happy about it! so i eat a little, and then all of a sudden, i'm a completely different person!!! literally! everything i am, morals, values, confidence, etc. all out the window! i can't digest anything at all. my stomach is like a wheelbarrel. i get sick, and know it's so easy to just make myself feel better in minnutes. and that seems like taking care of me too. in that stage, it seems "rationale" to alleviate the pain, the sickness, and "cure" me. and then, i instantly feel better. and then "the real" me is back, and says you're hurting your teeth, that's not good, but i'd rather feel fresh and empty, got rid of the pain. it is a vicious cycle.

the prune juice and vegetables sit well with you? does it make you feel sick? i used to only eat broccoli and grapes, but now just the thought and sight make me sick. what do you do around friends, family, work? all my family and friends know, and they know i have the strenght in me to grow up, claim responsibility for my life, and just do it! i like that hope, and i know i can, and will. it's just hard. i've had this now for 8 years, almost going on 9. i want to much in life to ever give up. everyday i try so hard, i lose and i win, but i'll never give up, i can't, i don't want to. people say just eat normal throughout the day....at the moment, it's just hard. i have more energy when i don't eat, i get tired when i do eat, and feel sick.... what to do what to do...keep doing my best, until a miracle comes along....=)

[Heba86]

I've been on this insane binge for i guess 1.5 weeks now. But towards the end of this week I have been working on restricting more and more. I relapsed for a little bit and went back to the laxatives, but I have since talked myself out of it again. I have been trying to eat as much fiber as I can, and it seems to work whenever it feels like it. I'm still having the same crazy issues w/my period though. It's so frustrating.

But most of my "friends" (I say friends in quotes bc I truthfully don't feel like anyone cares- I'm currently isolating myself for a while from everyone. Sad thing is, every time I take myself off the grid so to speak, no one even notices my being gone.) know about my eating weirdness, some of them choose to leave me alone about it and others try and get me into situations that practically force me to eat. And I understand their concern, but it honestly makes the situation worse.

As for my parents though, I think I have found that the more I cook for them the less concerned they are with my eating- So they think I'm being a good daughter and cooking for them, meanwhile my actions are purely selfish.

I just feel so alone lately. And I know I could reach out and talk to some people who would understand, but something is holding me back. I'm relapsing in a lot of ways and reverting back to a lot of bad habits from darker times. I know I feel best when I'm restricting so I need to get back on track with that, but overall I just feel so lost...

[jadis]

i totally understand what you're going thru!! binging always seems to be part of my restriction cycle(s). (i don;t count calories as much as i am strict about the types--solids/liquids--and amounts of foods i eat). i've found it helpful to figure out what triggers the binges...for me it can be 2 things--extreme stress or "bouts" of extreme happiness. if i can see these triggers as they happen, i have an easier time not binging--or at least not as much as if i didn't recognize what was happening. as for plateaus...i've learned that those happen when you don't change things up. eat more calories for a few days...then restrict...change it up and keep your body guessing!
good luck!! everyone here is always supportive...so keep posting and messaging!

[Heba86]

I'm almost positive that my binges (well my recent binges) are triggered by my hopelessness concerning my job search (I've been unemployed with virtually no money and basically nowhere to go except stay in my room of my parents house for a complete year now and still no sign of it looking up) I'm just really really not in a nice place sometimes and feel so hopeless, helpless and useless. My restriction is almost always triggered by the fact that i really feel like no one cares about me. My friends don't ask about me, my family is preoccupied with other things- i just feel really alone most days. All I ever wanted in life was to feel wanted, most days I don't even think I deserve it, but that doesn't stop me from still wanting that feeling...

[jadis]

i know exactly how you feel!! going thru a lot of the same things you are right now! had a horrible break up last semester and my friends were and still are nowhere to be found!! my dad's health is questionable and my brother never even bothers to check on him or me...just puts all responsibility on me to let him know if he needs to come home--if it's an emergency (he lives out of state). and i'm about to graduate but there doesn;t seem to be any jobs available...(can't wait for the student loan payments!)
restriction seems to be the only thing i can control right now...but it seems like the more i restrict, the more i just desperately need to be loved...i feel like no one ever stands up for me or helps me out...everyone thinks i'm so tough and strong when really, i just want to be loved...and then that makes me feel pathetic and even worse. the whole cycle really just sucks!!
but...know that you are not alone!!! we're all a mess in one way or another...venting here and making suggestions to others seems to relieve some of the pressure...
hope you're feeling a little less alone