new girl!

[vanish_shadows]

My name's Caitlin, I'm 20 and live in New England.

I've been anorexic for five years and refuse recovery at this time. I also suffer from severe depression, but for the first time in years its under control with the help of Lexapro. It took years before I found the right antidepressant and even that was a long haul.

My dad has kidney cancer and its spread to his brain. He's 6'3 and dropped 100 lbs. in less than two months. He currently weighs in the 130s and I'm jealous that he's so thin and I'm such a blob. My lowest weight was 115 in Dec. of 2005, I'm trying to get down to 135 and then 120. However I don't care to be emaciated again at 5'11. I don't know how much I currently weigh, but I know that its a lot. I haven't seen my ED doctor to be weighed in months and my therapist is out on medical leave (I don't know why, she wouldn't say). I see her again on May 14. I hope to be 10 lbs. less when I go back to see her again. Lets see if that happens.

I'm a sophmore at a small community college and graudate in June with a certificate in early childhood education. I plan on working in a daycare this summer and moving back to NY to be closer to family since my dad is so sick. I could stay here, but I'm not ready to live on my own and be that independent, so I'll move back with my parents and help my mom out with my dad. Currently my dad resides in a nursing home to get back on his feet and he'll probably come home in May.

I have a boyfriend! But what I don't understand is why he would want to date a blob like myself. He's still in high school, he's graduating this year and has asked me to attend his prom. He's 21, but he's still in high school because of his special needs, but that doesn't stop me from liking him. He has cerebral palsy. This will be my fourth prom, the third one that I've been with him. Prom is May 18 and I'd like to drop at least 10 lbs. before then. I've binged these past few days, but today it stops with severe restricting again. My limit is set at 300 calories and I feel like a huge failure when I go over.

I eat nothing, but organic food. My only meat source is chicken. I can't tolerate turkey anymore and I don't know why. I love veggie dogs! I DESPISE fastfood and will NOT eat it even if it were the last food substance on earth.

If you'd like to know anymore, just ask!

Thanks for your time