Anorexics don't want to help themselves?!

[Peachy-Pink]

Hi

My name is Torey and I am completely new to forums in general. I've had anorexia (with ocassional bulemia) for 4 years and I'm currently seeing a therapist. I saw her today, and she said something that made me question her.

She said that anorexics don't want to help themselves.

Well...I know that we are all different, but I have to say that I really do believe that I want to help myself, I just sometimes fall off the rails and give in to the temptation of starving/throwing up. Just because I indulge in damaging behaviour doesn't mean I particular want to be this way!

I wanted to know what other people with an eating disorder felt. Given a choice, wouldn't we all want to be healthy and happy?

I also wondered if you guys tried to stay reasonably healthy with vitamin and mineral supplements?

Take care,
Torey x

[judith0001]

I want to be healthy as well. I go back and forth between not eating and eating. I have weeks where I would eaat two meals which I considered a good week. That's two meals a day. Then I'd have weeks where all I would eat all day is a yogurt. It was on and off for me. Like I want to get help and at the same time I don't. There are many times where I want to go to CAPS which is a student psychology place you can go to and get help and then I back out for some reason. I've never been to therapy before so it scares me a little. One other person knows about how I have been eating, but she doesn't know how bad its gotten lately. When she first found out it was going between eating and not eating weeks whereas now, I work out constantly and cut my calories to 500 a day. I haven't talked to her lately but there are times when I do just want to talk to her to tell her what's going on so I can get help, but at the same time I don't want help. I go back and forth on this issue all the time. It's like a fight within my mind to go get help or not. I take vitamins daily. The reason I don't really want to see a therapist is because actually saying it outloud that I have a problem I think it makes it even more real than just typing it which is how the one person found out about it because I emailed her my journal I was so scared and didn't know what to do. Since then whenever I see her she asks me how I've been eating but I haven't seen her in awhile so she doesn't know how bad its gotten. Anyways sorry for the long post. I think its a daily struggle to want to go and get help and not.

[Peachy-Pink]

I know what you mean. It's like being two different poeple sometimes. I have days when I wake up and I really don't want to get better. It makes me feel safe to be empty almost. It's familiar and comforting behaviour. I see my therapist every thursday and my Dad practically has to drag me because I hate going...but when I'm there and I get through a session I come out smiling from cheek to ckeek! She gives me permission to love myself for who I am and to put myself and my happiness first and stop punishing myself and trying to please other people. Do you know the root cause of your E.D?

Take care,
Torey

[sarah-charlotte]

to be fair i think we all struggle with this - we secretly hate ana and want to be "normal" unfortunately for most of us that is no longer an option, we have been corrupted by this lifestyle/disease for years and can no longer remember what normal is. i struggled with ana the illness for years, torn between wanting to please my family and friends by eating and then getting totally freaked out by any change to my weight. i hated being ill but i was not going to actively seek recovery.
i was in therapy for three years but in the end i found it was only fueling my bulimia, the whole binge purge fast cycle was being triggered by my counselling sessions. it was only when i stopped going and gave up trying to fight it that everything became calmer and easier. ana is now a lifestyle choice, im chosing to stay this way, im chosing to reject recovery but if i could wake up tomorrow and not have anas voice in my head, to wake up free i would take it. but thats not going to happen so im making the best of it.

[Peachy-Pink]

That seems so sad

Do you think that maybe it was subjects you were taking about in therapy that made you want to throw up? Maybe it was those that needed to be sorted? Obviously I can only talk from my experience, but maybe it's worth trying a different therpaist or a different therapy altogether?

Take care,
Torey x

[sarah-charlotte]

id leave therapy either feeling;
a. hurt/angry/upset and so i wouldn't eat anything until my next session, or
b. guilty/upset that im putting my family through this so id make a point of eating something when i got home, the next day id freak out by the weight change and id binge, purge, fast and then go to therapy again.

i finally figured out that im always going to have this hurt in me so i may as well deal with that on my own and keep my ed under my control. i gave up on waiting for other so called professionals trying to fix me, i dont ant to be fixed.

[Peachy-Pink]

Fair enough. I sometimes feel that way myself but I think I have to believe that I can get better and not let this consume my days. I don't feel like I'm living at the moment, just going through the motions of maintaining anorexia which doesn't leave much time for anything else. There has to be a way out...

[ssubbie]

I am anorexic and am in therapy and i feel like you do. i want help then i ddon't my therapist says its stage 2 to recovery and the hardest. it's like having your foot in two places. i'm always thinking of quitting therapy but my therapist keeps me coming. she says this is the stage where they lose a lot of people and if i quit now and restrict like i do sometimes that i'll die. if any of you aare not in therapy i highly recommend you get some. it coul save your life, it has mine.