Am I a nutter?

[Rach29]

Hi all,
So a couple of days ago I had my first binge since coming back to ana a few months ago... made a big loaf of fresh banana bread and ate a good half of it (bread is my bete noire). I was so consumed by guilt I deliberately ate something I know I'm horribly allergic to... it completely had the desired effect, was violently ill for 12 hours and emerged three pounds lighter for it. (I've never been able to purge 'properly'). Am I going totally nuts? This stuff SERIOUSLY poisons me, why would I do that to myself, but then why would I starve myself?
Also, I've noticed that when I do eat I get really bad indigestion afterwards. I've been on 400 cals or less for a good three months, have I just f***ed my digestion up? In a f'd up sort of way I'm even pleased I do get indigestion, it's like a punishment in itself for eating.
Sorry for the questions, feeling a bit mixed up and like a crazy tonight. On the upside though only 13 more pounds to reach original goal weight (which has already moved downwards, so now its 20...and then we'll see...)
Rach x

[Miss_Holly]

We probably do all this crazy diet stuff because of some psychological issues. My only advice to all of us is to ask yourself if you want to be a normal healthy person physically and mentally ... try to understand what might be wrong with you and your way of thinking and why you think and feel that way... something must have gone wrong as you were growing up?

I'm trying to get a healthy way of thinking and have a positive self-image... I have looked at my life and I know why I am like this, it's not easy to break out of this need to control my food and mad desire to be skinny and perfect. But! I do have a a lot healthier diet then some years ago and I like my body more in time, I'm basicly working on having a higher natural self-esteem which goes beyond bodyweight. I think the key is to work out your emotional problems and only you can know and find out why your emotions are the way they are.