Not sure where I belong (long)

[GApeachMomma]

This post is going to be quite long, I apologize ahead of time.

Starting at age 16 or so I displayed symptoms of anorexia. I think I started developing the personality of an ED at age 14 when an old friend of mine that I visited said something to me. It was the first thing out of their mouth when they saw me and I'll never forget it or how it made me feel.
"wow! you're FAT". Yup, that's all it took.
Eventually (age 17) I was told by a couple doctors/experts that I was "borderline-anorexic". I think because I still had my period (most likely cuz I was on birth control). My lowest weight was 108.

Throughout my entire life people told me I was too skinny and looked sick. Every time they did it made me feel worse about myself. Eventually I got so sick of it I just started eating and eating. I got married at 18 to a wonderful husband, at the time I was about 125 lbs. Still people kept telling me I was too thin, so I kept eating... trying to shut them up.

Eventually I became pregnant with our first child. At that time I knew I had to eat reasonably if not for myself, for the life of the child. I gained a whopping 50 lbs with that pregnancy! Afterward I tried to eat 'normally' and exercise to lose the weight but wasn't getting anywhere.
I became pregnant with our second child and gained MORE weight. They were 2yrs and 1 month apart. A little over a year break in between both pregnancies.

Now I am seeing my health deteriorate thanks to all this weight on my teeny 5'3" frame. If I had known I was going to gain all this weight with pregnancy I would never have eating to shut those people up. For all these years I've tried desperately to ignore my "ana" mindset and try to lose weight in a healthy way. I completely changed my diet to whole grains and lots of fruit/veggies with lean meats. I got fitness equipment, gym memberships, you name it I've tried it. But NOT A THING worked. I just couldn't understand it.

Then I remembered "ana". How happy I was with my body then. It was the only time I ever loved myself. Recently I have begun to listen and give into the "ana" mindset that I have been ignoring for so long. And since the 22nd of June (yes last sunday) I have lost 6.2 lbs! Now I understand why so many girls/women become "ana"... for some, it's the only thing that WORKS.

Now I am in no way saying you should become this. It is not healthy at all and dangerous. But I just cannot escape it. I was alone before with it, had no one who understood me and my situation. So my body weight kept slipping dramatically. I dropped to 108 (the lowest that I know of) and my school and friends sent me off to 'recovery'. I wish they had good places then like they do now. Cuz all they did there was give me constant guilt trips saying "don't you know you're hurting your friends/family by doing this to yourself". Yea... brainwashing does not heal someone and help them. It just covers it up for a while.

Anyway. If anyone has had the patience to read through this, please help me figure out which forum I belong to. I need some sort of support and people to talk to who understand where I am.

LOL btw... y'all can call me Steph. I'm 24 married and a mom to two children.

[GApeachMomma]

Does anyone know which forum I should join? I really need some support..

[dying2belong]

hi, im new here too, and not real sure.. but lately i've been in the anorexia forum and theres quit a number of understanding people there. they get people like us and don't judge us.. i've been off and on with ana since i was about 14 also.. going up and down and up and down.. now im 21 and getting ready to graduate college and people from high school, friends and family are all telling me how great i look.. however they have no clue, and they wouldn't understand, ya know? anyway, i was a size 4 when i started highschool, then i went through a long stage of depression, i was a cutter for a few years and gained an insane amount of weight due to compulsive eating.. so i went from a size 4 to a size 16 in a matter of a year.. yea, talk about stretch marks! so i hated my body.. i started purging everyday, and eating very little.. and i began to lose it pound after pound, soon i was down to a size 8, not a 4, but not a 16, so i thought i was satisfied but the guilt that came with not purging after i ate was just too much to bare.. its like it felt better to be empty inside.. now that im in college and getting ready to graduate, i wonder if i'm strong enough to deal with it, but.. i cant help but crave the feeling of being thin, and that self love that i feel when people tell me i look better..im back to my original size 4 now, but i keep losing. but if i stop then the weight will come back ten fold, it always does, so i'm kinda screwed. any advice? lol. anyway, sorry for babbling on, lol.. i felt a sense of understanding in your post so i thought i'd share. anyway- like i said, i've been checking out the anorexia forum, and the people there can relate, it's wonderful to finally have someone to talk to. peace & love.