So yeah,when I began my recovery in December,I was not skinny-about 75 kilos/163 cm although I look about 10 kgs less because I have a lot of muscle(like I am UK size 10-12).
So really I was suffering from EDNOS more inclined to bulimic and BED/COE tendencies with some diet-which included spending about 5 hours a day researching different diets until I finally cheated and b/p..Therefore recovery was not meaning to put weight on me more of the opposite.My point is-there was a moment I really decided to amke the effort and not spend so much time on planning to binge,quit purging(still did ita few times but that's nothing comapred to 5 times a day) and get on with stuff that is important to me-like doing my uni assignments,meeting friends and getting back to running and all that.And I failed.Do you know why?Because getting back to those activities was not actually fun.I realised most of the things I do are more of a pain rather than something fulfulling and that's why I was distracting myself with my ED addiction.The worst part was when I actually had a panic attack and amnesia(like I did not know what month we are) a week before my dissertation was due and called my dad to fly about thousands of miles to help me out.
The first thing was that,after stopping the food obsession and trying to focus on uni,was that uni this year was extremely tough and dissertation -wise as well.I can only blame my overambition in choosing the most challenging courses which were not only not fun,but compeltely unmanageable.Also my dissertation.There was another person with the same topic which did not manage to submit it at all and dropped the year,although he was more geeky and keen than me (I do computing science).The other thing was running and my teammates.In my worst days ,when I resigned from team,tehre was not a single person to contact me days after and my attempts to get on with some of them who I considered them as friends did not even call me.It was very tough to get over this without b/p and I was crying all the time.I was stupid and I did not the team want to believe this and one of my friends -a guy ,used the situation that I was so stressed to get me into a very abusive realtionship which thank God I escaped but it cost me losing my mind almost.And if I only allowed myself to b/p and then start next day dieting it would be so much easier,when my only goal is getting skinny and keeping trac of my food intake.But I did not do it beacuse I already make the commitment not to get back to ED.And when you are left alone,without the ED,you realise that most of the things you set up for yourself in this life-like my uni course this year in particulars,like shallow friednships with people,like activities during free time(I love running,but this is not the best sport for my weight just now) are totally useless.And I did this all beacuse I was naive and I trusted people too much..I wanted to beleive I had friends,because my family always isolated me from other people by labeling them as bad and inpparopriate for me and I became a sort of people pleaserProbably beacuse I am living abroad and I was feeling complete lonely,especially in my first year ,and i got so happy when I could just be with people and have fun.But I learned that only a few of them can be trusted really.Or because I still try to prove to my Dad I am good enough because otherwise he would disown me(he did this with teh son of his first marriage). So when I amanged the ED more or less I was left with all those baggage i created myself most of the time and the result was that panicka attack and loss of memory for a few days which felt much worse than any binge /purge episeode I have evr had.I felt like I underwent comma and I am a different person now.And I also realised that before I solve the other issues in my life ,I would always need a coping mechanism regardless if it is ED,drinking,drugs,OCD sport,whatever.I need to be happy.I talk for myself but I am sure this can apply to most of you.This is why recovery is hard beacuse you figure out that source of unhappiness cannot be solved by just going on 500 calories a day or trying to purge 3000 binge.It is kinda of a work in progress.What I did to make myself happier was and not fall back into ED without severe depression:

1) identify who are people that care about me.Because i was caring for more people than i should.usually this included people from my family and only a few more.The rest could be only buddies but I would not gete hurt if they do something wrong to me.
2) identify if my career was actually good for me.What really take the piss of me was the fact that it was both extremely hard and extremely boring.If it was boring but manageable or hard but interestig I would ahve done it.And this was entirely my fault since my extra ambitions led me to choose the most difficult stuff.Now I am fearing that I might have not passed my exams but whatever.Inthe worst case I am allowed to repeat teh year with more manageable stuff.
3)family problems.if your family does not accept that you are what you are and no matter what you achieve they should support you as much as they can ,then this si not your fault.My dad was never happy even when I had straight A's all teh time.With B's last year he was still not although I wa sone of the firts students(he said,well,this time your rather average performance).Then he was not happy about the way I looked -I wa seither too skinny or too fat.he was never happy.I realised that's not my problem I shall not prove anything to him.So yeah,I think when I had problems he ,for first time,came to help me without ranting ot being stupid.But then ,should I get really that bad in order for him to acknowldge that i need a bit more care on regular basis rather than shouting at me all the time?That's probably the most difficult of all issues for me ,but then I cannot be bothered any more.I don't live my life to prove anything to anyone including him.
I am here to share my stuff not only with food but in general.I am about 72 kilos now and tis is after i stopped running.I still overeat,obsess about food a bit but compared to what it was before was afraction.I hope I will manage to get to normal weight and start running again(now i walk and swim but only when I feel like).
Best wishes for all of you with your recoveries.Hope my post coud be useful for some of you.
xx
Y