Okay, back again. You're all going to be sick of me before long! lol. You should all know, I'm here for any of you, if you need someone to talk to. So just PM me if you need to lean on someone.

I have a neurological disorder which causes increased pressure in my skull. It's left me partially sighted and with terrible memory loss and on Wednesday, I ended up in a&e with crippling headaches, disturbed vision, neck pain, the whole shbang. Basically, a&e didnt know what to do with me as my illness is rare and a specialised field so they sent me away with some pain killers and told me to head to eye casualty the following day. The pain was so unbareable, I took 2 of the codine and within half an hour, good lord, I couldnt stand up. Literally, doubled over in pain, sobbing. I should explain, about 18 months ago, I had my first bout of what I now realise was an ED, Id go incredibly long periods eating very, very little and because Id been so overweight before this and had dropped the fat and food content in my diet so dramatically, I ended up with gall stones and stomach inflammation. Now, I had a while of what I suspect was probs BED at which point, the stomach inflammation settled. Anyways, I took the codine the other night, and because Ive been on a fast/restrict since monday night, the tablets must have flared up the inflammation. Seriously the pain was unreal, my hubby was ready to take me ack up to a&e to have my stomach pumped. Before he had the chance, I vommited and instantly felt the relief. I then sat downstairs for 30 mins feeling great, only for the pain to come again and then Id vomit again, causing the pain to disappear, only to come back again after 15-20 mins. In the end, I was making myself vomit just to get some relief from the pain. I wolfed down a yoghurt and a mouthfull of milk and made myself bring it back up and the pain eased and has only been mild-moderate since. The thing is, I've only ever purged once or twice before, over a year ago and I didnt like it. However this time, I managed it easily to relieve the pain and since wednesday, I've found myself making myself sick after everything I've eaten. Im afraid a vicious cycle has started and I have no real control. I dont believe I am a typical mia sufferer, as my binges aren't usually as large as others I have seen on here and I can really punish myself after a binge by fasting and restricting. But if a binge does come on, Im now puking as much of it up as I can because the thought of me gaining weight is terrifying me. I didnt mean it to start, I did it purely as a way to stop the unthinkable pain but now in my head, I have a little voice telling me how *easy* it was to just puke up whatever I feel guilty for eating. I can't seem to control either the binges or the need to then get rid of the food I've eaten.

Now, tell me if any of you do this or if this is just my warped mentality, but say if after a binge, I haven't purged and I've gained say 4 or 5 lbs, I won't let myself eat more than 100cals or so a day or possibly fast some days until I'm back down to the weight I was pre-binge, then I'll restrict myself to under 500 cals, closer to 400cals if possible. I know my ED kinda crosses a few different boundaries into other ED's and Im also finding Im having cycles, like I'll start off just dieting, which will lead onto non-purging mia with some ana tendancies, which will then lead onto BED which then goes back to the start and Im now back at the point where I think I'm mia, and now Im also occassionaly purging. Do any of you have experience of any of this? Are any of your thought processes the same as mine? or am I, as I suspected, just a complete and utter freak?! lol. I'm honestly sitting thinking now and I genuinely can't remember a time in my life when my attitude towards food was the same as other 'normal' peoples. It's always been a kind of all or nothing thing for me, I really dont know why. Sp when I think about, I've probs had an ED of some sort for many years without either realising or wanting to accept it. Would give anything to just be "normal" like everyone else. Sorry for the essay but it's just so nice to have a place to be able to say exactly what Im feeling without the fear of being judged or beaten back down. My hubby knows that I think Im a non-purging mia, and he knows the pills the other night made me sick but he doesn't know I've strated purging and Im too embarassed to tell him. I told him how hard it is to resist the cravings to binge and bless him, (seriously, I think I was lucky in that I married my soulmate) he said if I wasn't ready to get help, he'd look after me until the point I do feel ready and until then, he wouldn't eat or cook anything in the house that could trigger a binge. I dont know how he'd react if he found out what Im doing now. I'm so ashamed
=(