Such stupid logic...

[The Aftermath]

It just struck me how attached to my ED I am for the stupidest reasons. I have a serious "not good enough" complex and failure terrifies me. I've had my ED for less than a year (9 months - I fall into things really fast) and I feel like if I try to recover now I'll be "giving up on it." I always give up on things. I always have. I know this is a terrible thing to hold onto and I should want to give it up, but I can't help but feel...almost lame. Like I need to be sick for at least a year in order for my ED to be legit. I know I'm not the only one who struggles to feel like their ED isn'st bad enough to be taken seriously so maybe someone can relate. I just feel like such a "wanna" when I say I haven't been ill for years...but it means I have a better chance at recovery so I should be grateful dammit! Stupid ED brain.

Is it sad that it makes me feel BETTER to think I'll probably relapse again before I even get close to being recovered? I don't even need to ask that. Of course it's sad. Such a huge part of me doesn't want to let go because to my ED-brain it means YOU GAVE UP AND FAILED AND YOU HAVE NO WILLPOWER ETC. :/

Yeah sorry for rambling.

[tulips]

I know what you mean.
I fail because I'm not skinny enough. I fail even more when I don't have the will-power to make myself skinnier.
Anorexia is a way to prove to myself that I'm not a failure, that I can succeed in being skinny, in being closer to what I consider to be perfect.

[xblindmyeyesx]

if you want help why not just go see a doctor its there job to help u weather your really sick or not but i see what you mean tho

[PSA148]

I really have no idea how long my ED has been in effect.. I know when I went vegetarian in January 2010 that's the latest date at which it started.. However the effects on my body from not eating enough could go as far back as January 2009 when I first started into Orthorexia.. I think you should try to get help so that you can stop this as soon as possible... I can go on about all the stuff I read.. I've read articles that says the least is 3 days with no food starts to break down certain organs.. from 6 months of malnutrition is when your body starts the downward spiral.. What ever the case may be.. an eating disorder is an eating disorder rather its just starting or is about to claim your life they are all very serious just the same.. I do know this though I woke up one day mid July 2010 and this all became very real for me.. That's when the physical effects all kicked in hard... and some of those effects are permanent.. and I'm glad I woke up then and stopped what I was doing.. I started a thread asking for people to list the effects short an long term that their ED's have had on them physically and mentally... I hope it picks up and that we can all learn from it.. I hope we can all compare our damages and help each other deal with them.. as well as warn others that this is a road you don't want to travel.....

[xblindmyeyesx]

I really have no idea how long my ED has been in effect.. I know when I went vegetarian in January 2010 that's the latest date at which it started.. However the effects on my body from not eating enough could go as far back as January 2009 when I first started into Orthorexia.. I think you should try to get help so that you can stop this as soon as possible... I can go on about all the stuff I read.. I've read articles that says the least is 3 days with no food starts to break down certain organs.. from 6 months of malnutrition is when your body starts the downward spiral.. What ever the case may be.. an eating disorder is an eating disorder rather its just starting or is about to claim your life they are all very serious just the same.. I do know this though I woke up one day mid July 2010 and this all became very real for me.. That's when the physical effects all kicked in hard... and some of those effects are permanent.. and I'm glad I woke up then and stopped what I was doing.. I started a thread asking for people to list the effects short an long term that their ED's have had on them physically and mentally... I hope it picks up and that we can all learn from it.. I hope we can all compare our damages and help each other deal with them.. as well as warn others that this is a road you don't want to travel.....

your right about the organs..my heart fucked now that i starved my self for months on end

[Ali(ve)]

It just struck me how attached to my ED I am for the stupidest reasons. I have a serious "not good enough" complex and failure terrifies me. I've had my ED for less than a year (9 months - I fall into things really fast) and I feel like if I try to recover now I'll be "giving up on it." I always give up on things. I always have. I know this is a terrible thing to hold onto and I should want to give it up, but I can't help but feel...almost lame. Like I need to be sick for at least a year in order for my ED to be legit. I know I'm not the only one who struggles to feel like their ED isn'st bad enough to be taken seriously so maybe someone can relate. I just feel like such a "wanna" when I say I haven't been ill for years...but it means I have a better chance at recovery so I should be grateful dammit! Stupid ED brain.

Is it sad that it makes me feel BETTER to think I'll probably relapse again before I even get close to being recovered? I don't even need to ask that. Of course it's sad. Such a huge part of me doesn't want to let go because to my ED-brain it means YOU GAVE UP AND FAILED AND YOU HAVE NO WILLPOWER ETC. :/

Yeah sorry for rambling.

I know exactly what you mean. This is my third time in a restriction "cycle"*, but I've only been at it since February. However, my restriction cycles are usually years apart. And my issue isn't necessarily with food; it's with control, so I could fall into another coping mechanism if I found one. But I don't want to give this up. I don't want to eat more than 1000 calories and not realize it. I miss having the calorie content of several foods/drinks memorized like I used to.
I also agree that I get the attitude of, "If I don't keep this up, I'm just a failure. It all meant nothing."
Thank you for this post. I didn't know anyone else hadn't been at this for years at a time.

*I say restriction "cycle" because when most people say cycles, they mean purely ED cycles. I'm also referring to my other addictions/coping mechanisms as cycles.

[unreal91]

ive had eating problems for 6 years. but not.. ''eating'' problems? idk. i didnt know what anorexia and shit was back then, i just knew, hey... im being made fun of bc im fat.. hey, when i take tylenol pm and sleep all day and all night, i don't eat.. oh shitt, look i lost 50 lbs..
*sigh*
but yeah, my whole life ive never been below 129lbs. so, ive never been techincally ''anorexic''. even though i was food obsessed, wouldnt eat but like..idk a bowl of cream of wheat a day.. for a year..lol.. and it didnt help when i moved back to my dads house, everyone was like HOLY SSHIT YOU LOOK GREAT!.. i liked that, but i knew personally why i looked better.. it just started getting deeper and deeper. and then i started online, reading about the disorders, and finding other people arelike that too.. it helped me not feel so damn alone.. but it only continued my disease.. i did everything to eat while i was pregnant, but man.. im backat it again.. at 180 im the highest ive ever been.. im considered obese by ny BMI and that really kills me. i hate fat!