the final straw!

[slinkysel27]

i HATE this disease, i hate what it does to me, i hate what it makes me do. i hate the fact that im sitting here starving but knowing that if i start eating i wont be able to stop! i hate the fact that im constantly exhausted and freezing cold. i hate the fact that food calories and weight are on my mind 24/7. i hate the sore throat and stomach that it causes, the teeth problems and the fact that im considering not going to my brother in laws wedding (in which my daughter is a bridesmaid? because i know i wont be able to lose enough weight in time. i hate the fact that i cant go out for a meal with friends without wondering where i can purge, or feeling guilty if i cant.

i know that this desease is slowly killing me, i know that it is affecting those i care about, i know that im no longer me! but the silly thing is the last straw came today - i did my budget and realised that i wouldnt be hundreds of pounds in debt, that i could afford all my bills etc and treats for my kids, if i didnt spend hundreds of pounds a month on binge food, laxatives and diet pills. knowing that i have chosen to binge over paying my rent, that ive had to say no to outings for my kids because i spent the money on food, sickens me. and as sad as it is, this is the reason i have chosen to phone the number i was given to get some help - not my health, but money! how sad is that!

sorry for the rant x

[slinkysel27]

sorry if i posted this in the wrong place, or offended anyone with this post

[becauseittastesgood]

I totally understand! I wish I can offer some help but I am struggling so much myself that all I can say is you are not alone. I can no longer afford to live and pay my bills so I am looking for a new job to be able to afford my habit. Also, I don't want to get help because I applied for a job and I had to agree for them to do this really extensive background check to make sure I was mentally competent! So much for mental health records being confidential if you want to work. Hang in there, I really hope you get the help you need and deserve.

[LittleFoot]

You've made the right choice.

[Twinkles]

I don't think it's sad,whatever motivates you to seek help is good in my opinion.I just went back to my doc last week to change medication and try to curb the b/p.My motivating factor for doing that was working out how much I had spent on binge food in a month.I'm lucky at the mo I can still pay my rent and bills but it's tight and I know that this is me restraining myself-I could spend so much more!That thought frightens me,we can't afford for me to keep b/p like this.
Be proud that your taking a positive step,for yourself and your kids x

[slinkysel27]

thank you everyone. im terrified to be honest, this has been part of my life for soo many years thats im not sure how to live without it! i think its awful that it could stop you getting a job! its absolutely crazy when i think about it - i could have probably gone on a fab holiday on the money ive spent on binging, or at least not had months where money has been soo tight ive had to borrow to pay rent. i think thats what scared me - knowing that we could have lost our house for the sake of this illness. again, thank you to everyone for your support, and i wish the same for all of you x