Hello, Finally Stopped Lurking and Joined!

[1555CONFIDE]

My name is Kay and after lurking on this board for a month finally decided to register and join you guys.

I guess my ED started back when I was 5/6 when I first moved to the US with my mom. I remember being skinny when I was little but for the first time in 1st grade I remember sitting in class and looking down at my thighs and feeling that they were like two fat sausages, even though I was technically underweight for my age. It was probably the stress of culture shock from being in a new country and not knowing how to talk to anybody at school + family problems (my dad was cheating on my mom and left us less than a year after we came here) that triggered my food/body issues.

The first time I restricted was around 4th grade when I realized I could grab a handful of skin around my stomach. I would throw away my lunch at school and get such a high from not eating and looking at all my friends stuff their faces. I would only eat as little as possible during dinner time, a spoon of rice and maybe two veggies and a bite of fish. Anything more and I would spit it into my soup bowl and dump it out when I washed the dishes. How handy that we Chinese have a soup bowl every meal to hide stuff in! I would do weird stuff like not use lotion or lip balm because I would absorb all the fat from the oils... We didn't have the internet back then (this was the mid 90s!) and I didn't learn that I had a problem until I watched some gymnastics movie on Lifetime after school. Of course that was also when I learned to purge and things got worse from there.

This all continued until I was 15 when we moved to a new city and a bunch of shit happened. I "recovered" aka binging up to my high weight of 160 last year, I'm only 5'2" f'ing hell!!!! Then this month I realized that hey my life still sucks, my family sucks (my pervert stepdad tried to make a move on me), and I'm still poor as fuck since the mortgage on my mom's house is in my name and I'm in an upside down mortgage with no way to move out of this god forsaken state without risking bankruptcy. But now I'm stuck in this disgusting blob of a body on top of everything...

With this realization, ana has slowly made a reappearance. It started with obsessing about my portions (I weigh every.last.gram I eat out on a food scale), then I started cutting out carbs and fat and won't eat anything that I didn't make myself. Now I'm restricting again and average about 200 calories a day even after forcing myself to eat. And I still feel like a fat disgusting pig after eating my sad anemic salad. The only reason I'm still forcing myself to eat the absolute necessary amount of protein I need to avoid muscle wasting and heart damage is because logically I know that this is going to kill me. But some days despite the hunger (or lack of any hunger) all I can do is stand at the kitchen counter and stare at a f'cking apple for 15 minutes debating whether I should eat a quarter of it only to put it back at the end. fml

[twiggy]

Welcome, girl!!

[Sirene]

Welcome! It's nice to have another Chinese girl here. Anyways, nice to meet yuu

[beautiful-exception]

wow, you sound like a very kool person. having an ED sucks, but you having control is good news.
Welcome!

[lauraunknown]

welcome