I essentially have no friends because a) I sabotage them or b) they use me.

I believe that's why I joined this forum today, to maybe find some familiarity that I haven't experienced before. I have mixed feelings about friendships. Its like any relationship, involving give and take, and I believe my realization of that makes it hard to maintain a "relationship" I might make. Everyone uses, whether to reflect your inner self through them, to vicariously live through them (as I do), to feed emotionally through them, or whatnot. Friendship can be symbiotic or cancerous to sum it up.