It's harder to start this intro than I thought it would be.

For most of my life, I have had Body Dysmorphic Disorder related to OCD, and issues of control.

About two years ago I was displaying anorexic symptoms (it's always with you - but in my case, sometimes less and sometimes more), and lost 40 pounds in a matter of a few short months. I was a member of a forum like this, and was really comforted by the support.

Eventually, I started to eat a little healthier, and have been mostly "normal" for the past year or so. A lot in my life changed at that point, and I was feeling optimistic. I never gained all of the weight back...some, but not all - it almost seemed like I had reset my weight.

A lot has changed again recently. Things aren't bad, just challenging. I'm happy a lot of the time, but I also have suicidal thoughts. It's a strange place to be.

It's hard to explain without going into a lot of detail up front, but my job is about to change, and with it, I will be altering some of the worldview that I have held dear for most of my life. I have a boyfriend that is four months new, and who is wonderful to me, but has a complicated life of his own, and I'm trying to figure out where I fit.

I just have a lot of anxiety. Most of my worries are unnecessary, and I would be much better off if I could just ditch them.

Crux: I just went to the doctor, and found out I weigh at least 10lbs more than what I'm comfortable with. I've been cooking a lot for my boyfriend who is twice as big as me, and stupidly eating the same portions. I need that feeling of control back, this is how I'm going to do it.

I'm looking forward to getting to know all of you.

HT: 5'7"
CW: 134 (OMG!!!!)
GW1: 128
GW2: 124
GW3: 120
UGW: we'll see...

P.S. I won't get email notices on messages...so if I don't get back to you right away, I will!