New here. Anorexia/BPD/PTSD.

[exposebarbie123]

Hello, I'm Blisson, or Bliss.
I am a 23 year old who has been dealing with anorexia nervosa for almost ten years now. I also suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD. You will hear me also address these disorders because I believe they are truly related to my eating disorder. I am sorry ahead of time if that bothers anyone but I think it's important to include all mental health issues in recovery.
I am here because up until about two months ago I was still in recovery (3+ years of not being underweight) and feeling pretty good. I don't know exactly what has caused my anorexia to flare up so badly but I am struggling very badly with getting away from her again. It is like in a matter of seconds my brain flipped the switch and I was right back to being terrified of food and gaining weight. It has been 36 days and I have lost almost 22 pounds. I DO NOT feel good about this.
I am a mess, and more than a mess, I am doing things I thought I never would do. Throwing up what little food I have, using laxatives again, and you can believe the Diurex at the pharmacy is screaming for me to go buy some. Now this isn't all the time as I usually have control over my food and can keep it at a "safe" amount of calories. I cannot control my compulsive exercising and sometimes can't even eat an apple without doing 45 minutes of high-intensity calisthenics. I am no longer healthy. I am grumpy and constantly tired. I have this voice in my head telling me the scale is wrong, my eyes are wrong, my brain is wrong, and I should just die.
So that's part of my story. An introduction. Feel free to message me or chat as I am an open person and feel pretty alone here again, even though this is not my first "rodeo" so to say.
I want to get better but this disorder has it's nails buried much deeper this time than ever before. I am scared for my relationship, my family, and my life. I am here to ask for support and help and anything else you folks in recovery think I need. I do not have insurance or the money to take myself to inpatient again.
Thank you,
Bliss.

[Solita]

Hi Bliss (what a lovely name, by the way!), I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling like this right now. It is amazing that you had more than three years of recovery - it is super important to remind yourself of that, that you are capable of doing amazing things like that, because in these bleak times it can be so easy to begin to feel hopeless. It is scary, the behaviors and attitudes you are describing, and as you said, you have so much at risk. I've had anorexia for 10 years (and other forms of ED since I was 10, now I am 35) and I lost my marriage, my first career as a doctor, and much more in the process…including seven friends in the past two years who have died due to complications of their disease. It is despicable what can happen.

What resources do you have for support in real time?

Welcome to the forum and I hope you can find some good support to get you back on track.

[bulimiargh]

Hey, welcome to WE! I hope that you find the support you need to pull yourself out of this relapse and back towards health again <3