(Hopefully?) Rock bottom

[jay27]

TW just in case for mention of ED behaviors...oh and swearing lol

Also I apologize in advance for rambling. And the ridiculous length of this. I just needed to write it down.

For so long I feel that I've been scraping the bottom so to speak, but I do believe that I've finally reached my breaking point.

I mean I've been b/ping an average of about 10+ hours a day everyday for over a year now (and have been b/ping more than 6 hours daily for many years); I don't know who I was kidding thinking the consequences wouldn't eventually catch up with me. That's part of the grand allure of bulimia I think...this sort of exhilarating experience of power you get by evading natural consequences. I've always perceived the world as disturbingly wrong in many ways; there's so much cruelty and suffering throughout the globe that just seems utterly senseless to me. Bulimia sort of feels like an enormous fuck you to the order of things.

Anyway those consequences I felt I was evading (although I always rationally knew they would come back to bite me...) are piling up at my doorstep:
I had a clonic-tonic seizure two weeks ago. Thank heaven I was just sitting down at the time, but I realize I got lucky in this respect. If it had occurred while I was driving for instance, I could have easily KILLED someone. That thought is absolutely horrifying to me. I've suffered a lot of health consequences throughout my years of anorexia and bulimia, but never one that put OTHER'S health in jeopardy.

I buy food on the cheap most often. I'll just go clean out the clearance section of several grocery stores every day when they put their mark downs out. I coupon. I only buy off-brand shit. Honestly I care very little about the taste of food these days; I merely crave the ACTIONS of binging and purging in and of themselves...and the accompanying catatonia of course. Even so I am managing to spend over 90% of my income on food. I've pawned or sold literally everything of value I own, and I can't make rent this month. So it looks as though I will be homeless and living out of my car again for the second time this year (BTW don't worry I am not driving it since my seizure!). And it just makes me feel like this sub-human, worthless piece of trash. Of course that is not how I feel about other homeless folks, but that is how I feel about myself. I have a reasonably well-paying job...I am just a completely out of fucking control junkie.

Going on facebook has become pure torture for me. I see old friends/acquaintances who are graduating college, pursuing their passions, getting married. I know I shouldn't compare...but I can't help but notice that they are LIVING and I am just sitting stagnant. I have no friends, no hobbies, no romantic relationships. I have an unskilled job that I hate. I could have done something useful to humankind...I mean I was valedictorian, a national merit scholar, a record holding athlete...and I've thrown it all down the toilet. I had to drop out of NYU, my dream university, because of this fucking demon of an illness. My mind is progressively rotting. My body is progressively rotting. My passion is progressively rotting. I look at these years and am haunted by the rotted possibilities. My every dream and aspiration is on the brink of disappearing. I am a failure.

I came mesmerizingly close to suicide last night. It's something I mull over constantly, but an ideal plan sort of brilliantly occurred to me all at once. I had been sobbing alone in my car, and as this idea became clear to me I sort of choke-laughed in relief through the tears. I felt light for the first time in who knows how long...I just need all this pain to end. I am beyond exhausted. There was only one thing holding me back. The last relationship left to me is with my younger brother. I love him, dear God, more than mere words can express. I love him to the moon and back again and am so fucking absurdly proud of him. I hate to scare him with my crazy *shit,* but I had to shoot him a text. He is a smart, charming, kind, well-adapted young man. I just asked whether he would be ok without me. I thought he probably would be as I am unable to really contribute anything to anyone at my current level of sickness. But his reply: "Fuck no."

And I *WILL NOT FUCKING ALLOW MYSELF TO DO ANYTHING TO HURT HIM.* So I guess that means I need to give recovery another go. I've tried so many treatment centers, therapies, drugs, alternative approaches. And ultimately failed. It all seems rather hopeless. But I can't keep living this way. And dying is out of the picture. So I guess I'll be trying again. I have to throw my whole self into this again. I don't know exactly what my plan is as of yet, but I just needed to vent this all. I apologize again for the length. If anyone read this whole diatribe, bless your heart. I am hoping I will be able to come back to this in order to constantly remind myself why recovery needs to happen. And why it needs to happen NOW.

[lifenbones]

Hey Jay,
I did take the time to read it. I am so glad you are still with us. You still have value, even through your struggles. You obviously mean a lot to your brother. You are NOT a failure. You may not be making the greatest choices, but you can turn things around. I a proud of you for looking to seeking initiative. Hugs!

[bulimiargh]

I read this entire post and I wanted to say that I am so glad that you're being strong and brave in taking this step. I've followed you on here for a long time and it's always broken my heart so see such a beautiful, talented, intelligent and loving woman be mauled around by such a vicious disease. Hang in there, Jay, and if you want to add me on fb, drop me a PM. My support and prayers are always with you <3

[Hungryhungryhannah]

Hey there, firstly, I just want to send you some love and support. You are going through a terrible time right now and I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I just want to say that it is so awesome that you are wanting to get better! I'm truly, truly sorry for what you are going through. God knows you surely do not deserve it, but maybe this struggle is just what you needed? I don't say that to be insensitive! But do you think you needed a kick to realise that the existence you have at the moment isn't a life? Im not going to bore you with my life story, but I have been close to crossing over to the other side, and only then did I realise that my ED had taken so much from me, but nothing I couldn't get back. If you can learn to separate your ED from yourself you can use this pain and hatred to fuel your recovery. You are truly a wonderful person for holding on to your brothers love and not giving in. I am thinking of you and praying for you. You have so much potential, it's not too late to turn your life around! You deserve the very best, Much love xxx

[d0ze]

even when you feel at your most "useless" because of your b/p behaviors, people still love you. It's you, it's not what you contribute, surprisingly (I felt this way) people care even if you don't go out of your way to contribute to their life. I agree that you should seek recovery, and I am so sorry that your health caught up to you that way because that shit sounds fucking scary. Reading about your brother choked me up a little because I have a brother too... you deserve recovery, and you should. I believe rock bottom is death or the point of no return, and you aren't there yet. Don't wait for it.... <3 you are separate from your ed and you can do it!

[Rosemary8]

thank you for sharing your story, and congratulations on wanting recovery. (not to make this post about me...) but I had some similar issues happen that made me think I was at my rock bottom (rock bottom is different for everyone). I started to get more and more disgusted by the cost of my binges (I was not a bargain binge shopper)...I also knew it would ruin my relationships and perhaps affect my career. so I went inpatient again with the understanding that bulimia would no longer be an option. I have been out of IP now for about 10 days...with one minor slip up the day I got out...I have been holding true to my personal promise. don't get me wrong, I have a lot of other shit going on with me...but I hope to make bulimia a distant issue sooner than later. I am gaining weight (real, water or otherwise). it doesn't really matter. I take it one day at a time (I know, quite trivial)...but doing so, nothing feels too big or insurmountable. today I had an omelet from a restaurant. I didn't even consider purging or bingeing/purging an option. it is off the table....

[jay27]

Thank you so much. What truly beautiful, gracious hearts you ladies have. I didn't even think anyone would care to read that essay of a post. I am so blessed and grateful to know you all. Your support means the world to me.

[ntt_3]

I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug. It's been a long time since I've posted, but I come on from time to time and always think of you and hope to see something from you. Your beauty and intelligence and compassion really do shine through in everything you post. Without a doubt. (cue essay)

I struggle as well with comparing my life to others and regretting all of the successes (academic, career, social) that I've lost to either the ED or plain old depression. And you're at a point where that comparison is pretty drastic, and obviously you have the potential to be incredibly "successful" without this disease. But please try to keep in mind that your potential and worth as a person are not measured by conventional successes. In fact that's the kind of thinking that fuels eating disorders - measuring yourself against all kinds of metrics, and since you've failed, you're worthless or there's no point trying.

Yeah, you're not going to graduate at 22 and be well into your dream career by 25 and married by 26, that's not going to happen (I don't know how old you are so I'm just making stuff up). But so what? People take so many different paths in life to get to where they need to be. And you have the capacity for such a fulfilling life.

I also have a younger brother who needs me, just like yours needs you. And don't forget that he really does.

I hope to hear back from you soon and will support you in any way I can as you find treatment. Hang in there.

[jay27]

^^NTT! I miss and love you my dear(!!!), although I always have mixed feelings about seeing you on here as I know your visits usually coincide with times of struggle.

You are so right about comparison...it surely feeds into the disorder and serves to make me feel defeated. I am twenty-two and am obviously very far from where I would like to be, but there's still certainly potential to turn things around.

Thank you so much for your encouragement, wisdom, and your continued friendship throughout these last few years of hell. We'll smash this demon into the dust and make our brothers proud, eh? Would love to hear how you are doing. PM me if you have a moment ok?

[Solita]

Jay,
I have always had a lot of compassion for you. And I sincerely appreciate your post and am very glad you have such a great relationship with your brother. How special brothers can be! I have an older brother who is like my lifeline as well. As we've shared in PMs, I can relate a lot to many parts of your struggle and I want you to know there is a way out of the absolute freaking hell. I hope this doesn't sound creepy but in a way I'd really like to meet you and talk to you for a while. We've both been to treatment up the arse and after 25 years with an ED. No, I'm not entirely recovered; but I have a life outside of my ED and feel meaning and purpose in it. I totally have faith that you, too, will find your path. It may be a tumultuous, winding, weird-looking one, but it will be a path nonetheless.

I am always rooting for you, my dear. <3