Hey everyone, I'd like to share my story with you

[bellakempt]

So I found this site after looking online to see if what I'm going through is actually becoming an ED. I'd really appreciate any advice you could give me...

I'm 16, starting sixth form in September, I've had the past 2 months off school because of course I finished my exams so no more school for me. I got a part time job just before I left school so that occupies my weekends, however I've been so bored with life lately, as all I do is lie in bed on my laptop/ps3 because I have nothing better to do. I've suffered from depression and anxiety for about 3 years now and just when I thought I was recovering, it all kicked in again.

After spending the summer alone most of the time, I get so bored and lonely. I don't really have any friends because people don't like my negativity, but as much as I try to be positive I feel that they just bring me down and are the reason I'm negative (this is probably why I have social anxiety - I try and stay away from people because I'm scared of them hurting me).

My parents aren't supportive of me, they mock everything I say or do and make snide comments at anything that involves me. My dad is an alcoholic and a heavy smoker, and my mum is just a cynical cow who only believes in herself. They know that I suffer from mental health issues but refuse to help me, probably because I chose to keep doctors out of it because I don't want to be 'synthetically' happy by taking anti-depressants and what not. I just want to be genuinely happy, by doing things on my own - of course support is nice though, but they don't seem to understand the meaning of the word. They shout at me and make me do chores without even saying please or thank you, they just moan at me all the time as if my life revolves around them.

I have a boyfriend, that's about it for 'true friends'... He, however, mostly resides in Wales during the holidays, whereas I live in England. I feel like I rarely get to see him, and I'll get to see him even less when he goes to college once I start sixth form. We've been together for over a year now, and our relationship is supposedly 'stronger than ever'. I did agree with that statement until just recently, where I feel he's too busy with other people to even text me to see how I'm doing. He knows I suffer from social anxiety yet he brags about how easy it is to make friends, and that I should be more sociable to keep myself busy without him.

I'm so lonely. I feel a need to be accepted by society, despite the fact that I absolutely despise the way our society is becoming. I try to be someone I'm not - I act differently around certain people to try and get them to like me. Now it's moved on to my actual appearance. I'm naturally slim but I keep noticing little things, like the fat under my chin and the wrinkles on my thighs when I bend down. I still eat, but not half as much as I did a week ago. I keep telling myself I don't deserve to eat like I used to because I'm worthless and if I do this I might actually be worth something. I eat a piece of fruit for breakfast with a mug of green tea, and then I have the one mandatory meal in the evening which I can't avoid because my parents make me eat it.

It's weird because the things I do make no sense, but I do them anyway because I feel like I deserve it. There are all of these starving children around the world, and I used to just eat to my hearts content because I had the mindset of 'I can do what I want because it's my life'. It doesn't feel like my life anymore. It feels like there's this devil on my shoulder that's whispering to me, but unfortunately there's no angel to counteract that. For example, I drink green tea for breakfast. I hate the taste of green tea, it always makes me feel like I need to throw up. I never do throw up because that has always scared me (I unwillingly cry like a baby whenever I throw up), but I force myself to carry on drinking the stuff because it's good for me and it's the 'best thing I'm allowed', even though it tastes vile. Again, I tell myself that I deserve to feel sick, and that if I don't deserve to eat then I deserve to drink something disgusting at the very least.

I feel like I'm just rambling on, but it feels good to get it out as I have no one else to talk to. I've tried to keep myself busy by thinking about losing weight and punishing myself for binging before. I've always had a love for food but these days just thinking about eating makes me feel sick. Is this an eating disorder? It's in the early stages as it's only been this way for the past week, but I feel like this is the way to go, even though I know it's not. I don't want to make myself ill but I can't stop telling myself that it's what I deserve.

[lifenbones]

Hey Bella,
Sorry you have been so lonely. It's not always easy to make friends.
It deff. sounds like your newly developed habits could be the onset on an eating disorder. You also mentioned binging, binge eating disorder (BED) is an eating disorder in it's self. I would suggest trying to find support immediately. Feel free to send me a message, and I'll be sure to reply
Welcome!

[bulimiargh]

Welcome to WE! I hope that you find the support you need on here <3