I can't stand it any longer

[EvilTerrorKitty]

Hey, first to all of you, I am new to WhyEat, so you probably haven't seen me yet. I am sorry to come up so fast with an issue as a new comer.

I'll start with my ED:
I don't know what ED I have, I haven't been diagnosed yet. I am caught between eating smal amounts of food/counting calories and binging/purging for over 4 months right now. It all started with a normal diet and then turned into an ED when I stopped losing weight with my diet.
My boyfriend realized very fast what I got into - even before I recognized it as a problem. He got me to talk to my therapist about it around eastern. He said that I should just try to eat and if I vomit afterwards, it's not a problem. That was when I got desperate and told my mom in order to search somewhere else for help.

Right now I am trying not to b/p that often anymore (instead of 4 times a day only once at 2 days). But it's really hard because there is always something that bothers me, makes me upset... And then I eat. Since I b/p I stopped cutting myself.
It might sound good, but everything gets worse in my eyes. I isolate and freak out everytime, it comes to eating together with the family.

This evening I talked to my mom about my b/p and restrictive behaviour because she accused me for being selfish (due to isolating). She asked me why I just can't cut myself instead of b/p/restricting. Then she told me that I look ugly (I have underweight). I just feel so... I feel again the need to b/p but I want to stop it. I just hate eating, it makes me feel disgusting. When I see people eating I think, they ae disgusting - even my boyfriend. I refuse kissing him after he ate... And I know it's not normal to think like this, but I can't do anything about it.

For the ones who read all this and reply, thank you. I really need some advice right now. I don't know if I should keep on talking to my mother about my problems.
Btw, I am already getting some support from a therapy center of EDs.

Greetings, the evil kitten

[lifenbones]

Hey EvilTerrorKitty

Four months is really new for an ED and in a recovery point of view it's really great you are seeking help so early.
Your mom really seems like more of a stumbling block then a support system. It might be best if you look to turn to others while discussing your struggles.

Best of luck!

[EvilTerrorKitty]

Hey EvilTerrorKitty

Four months is really new for an ED and in a recovery point of view it's really great you are seeking help so early.
Your mom really seems like more of a stumbling block then a support system. It might be best if you look to turn to others while discussing your struggles.

Best of luck!

I have been struggling now for one year with several weeks of restrictions, but managed to get out of that somehow... I am really trying to recover because food is all I can think of. Not just over the day, also during the whole night. I wake up at night and see If I can still see my bones because I have dreamt of eating and gaining weight.
I really don't understand why some people glorify EDs because for me it's really a torture (despite the fact of losing weight oc)

[SomeNights]

I don't understand it, either. I think for some people, it has to do with wanting to deny that they have a problem. As for those who glorify them and don't struggle with them, I really don't know. My ED is pure torture, too.

I agree with the other poster. I would not continue talking to your mother about it. With eating disorders, you want to be very careful who you open up to. Many people don't understand what it's like to struggle with an eating disorder, and as a result say things that do more harm than good. Of course, you do need a support system. I found that support groups have helped me a lot through my recovery.