The title sums up my awful predicament. For the past maybe 6 weeks, I've been missing my eating disorder more and more. I haven't used purged or restricted since March, and I had been feeling great. I started to feel really uncomfortable in my body and in a snap moment decided I was going to relapse because I hate myself physically as well as mentally (I feel like an awful person who is mean to everyone). I'm currently visiting my boyfriend now (long distance) and while I can talk to him about anything and he knows about my past struggles, I'm too scared to have him know or to say anything so I decided to keep trying to be normal while I'm here. In a way that makes me hate myself even more because it's an awful secret to keep from someone I love so much. I thought I had really beat it this time and I finally had hope that it was truly over. Now I'm really scared. I don't want to do either option (stay in recovery at this weight or get sick again). I feel so... sick that I miss being so ill so much.
I just had to get this out there because there is no one I can talk to anymore. I've been completely discharged from outpatient now-no nutritionist, no therapist, no psychiatrist, no groups, and no recovery friends (I pushed them all away). My doctor stopped asking about it as I've been okay for so long. I just can't go with being the only one who knows this is in my head, even if I'm just telling complete strangers.
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Thread: Planning to relapse
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Planning to relapse
If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
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Perhaps make a chart with what would happen depending on which option you choose.
If you don't think you can manage maintaining your current weight, perhaps look to what you can do to not spiral out of control (make sure you have your vitamins in check, hydrate, ect.)
If you do have a really supportive team I would encourage you to utilize their expertise. I'm glad you felt you could turn here!
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I'm not a stranger!
This sucks, doesn't it?! You read my mind..... I am teetering as well. Been semi-recovered, hate my physical self, struggle the same ed mind talk and shamefully sometimes I miss the old horrible behaviors. Even though I find no relief in binge-purgjng, nor restricting nor exercise abuse. The behaviors no longer work for me but the misery remains.
Sorry, Hon. Wish it could be better. Appreciate you saying this much better than i can."Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you traveled from where you started."
"The miracle isn't that I finished, the miracle is that I had the courage to start."
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Thanks for the replies
So excited to see your username Jeanne! It's wonderful to see someone I remember fondly. I'm sorry that you're in a similar boat.If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
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08-11-2014 #5
- Join Date
- May 2013
- Location
- England
- Posts
- 9,942
I remember you! I really hope that you manage to work things out - reaching out for offline support would definitely be essential, and I second @lifenbones that journaling is also a really good way to clarify things for yourself and identify the root cause of your "need" to relapse. Best of luck to you, and take care <3
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An update to this:
Things started to get bad while I was visiting (I'm home as of a few hours ago). I didn't tell my boyfriend specifically that I had relapsed there, but told him things weren't okay and cried a lot about it. He had noticed I was off and the first night we were together he asked if I was okay with "us", which broke my heart because I knew it was me being off. He was absolutely perfect and held me as I bawled about how I'm scared and don't have time for an ED or treatment and how I'm sorry. He couldn't have responded more perfectly, and it didn't make things weird.
I wish I felt I could still talk to him about it, but for some reason my mind just doesn't want to. I know he'd let me and would be supportive, but there are so many sick parts to this that we all are familiar with (not wanting to worry others, not wanting to be stopped, feeling ashamed). While it's only been about 3 days of behaviors, it's already bad and a hole that is so hard to just dig myself out of. I'm going to go to a support group in town tomorrow that I used to go to, I don't really know what to do. I'm hoping I just kind of snap out of it!If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
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Good for you for reaching out for support! I'm glad you have a boyfriend who'd be there for you.
Originally Posted by ScienceOfBallet
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Hey sweetie. So much of what you say resonates with me. It's like after a bit of freedom or a taste of recovery, when life gets rocky I want my old comfort back. For me it's the physical self that I cannot accept is me. Ugh. As awful as my life in full blown eating disorderville was, I miss it too. I miss the protection, the false security, the misguided triumph as I shrunk to nothing.
I commend your going back to group and your honesty with bf. That's awesome. Recovery has to be this kind of back and forth process.... just takes time, trial and error. Hugs to you.
"Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you traveled from where you started."
"The miracle isn't that I finished, the miracle is that I had the courage to start."
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Me personally, I've been in many states of recovery.
I've recovered and hated every second of it.
I've recovered and felt good, but with the thoughts still lingering at the back of my mind.
I've recovered and couldn't wait to put more weight on.
So many years of so many phases of recovery. I'm confident that if you once felt okay with recovery, there will be a time that you will feel it again.
In the mean time, try to stay as healthy as you can.
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