New plan

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*I cut and pasted this from my blog because I am lazy.

I’ve been put on a new plan by my therapist. She feels that when I’m not eating healthily (or being “good,” as I see it), I’m eating like a child, making childish choices in order to be spiteful and hurt my mother for all the crap in the past. How mature. This means lots of dishes I couldn’t have in the past (my binge food), such as pasta, breads, stuff smothered in cheese, multiple desserts, entire pints of ice cream, french fries, and enormous portions. I don’t really understand the reasoning behind this yet, but I understand that I’m trying to separate from her, and that I feel guilty and angry as the process continues.

My new plan is as follows:

Eat 1,800 calories a day (of course this seems like an enormous amount to me, even though on my binge days I probably consume 3,000+ calories) so I can go as low as 1,500, but no lower. This will be interesting as I have never eaten more than 1,200 calories when restricting/dieting/counting calories and often I went as low as 800.

No all-or-nothing behavior- if I screw up, I just keep going, I don’t throw in the towel.

I can have one takeout meal and one dinner out per week

I can’t have any fried foods or meals that are only carbs; in fact, I must try to eat 10 grams of protein at every meal.

My meals must still be balanced- no cutting out entire food groups (a serious habit of mine).

I have to increase my number of options for each meal. This will be difficult.

No excessive fats (cream sauces, over-use of butter, etc)

When I am tempted to binge, I need to set a timer for fifteen minutes and sit and do nothing but think for those fifteen minutes. I have to reflect on whether or not I really need to eat the food, what I could do instead, etc.

Only weigh once a week (ugh).

After receiving these instructions I promptly came home, and with a fridge full of healthy groceries I ordered a huge meal of spaghetti with meat sauce, a side of sautéed spinach, bread, and then from a different restaurant, an enormous slice of chocolate cake with cream cheese icing. I drank half a bottle of red wine and, once I had forced the end of the cake down, I purged for the first time in several weeks. I hate to say it, but I felt much better. Purging has been such a double-edged sword for me recently; I know that it is terrible but not doing it is what has caused this incredible weight gain (20 lbs in a month and a half).

It’s really difficult because it is the end of the summer and, as far as weight is concerned, I’ve made zero progress. I lost a few pounds but then my parents came and I took it as an opportunity to gain it all back. I have established no exercise routine, although I wish I were a runner and I wish I were practicing my yoga to help control my anxiety disorder. I am embarrassed to return to work next week like this. But, I know that I have learned a lot this summer, in terms of why I behave the way I do and what I need to do to be happy, and I know that I can move forward and be successful despite past difficulty. I was accepted into grad school and have a big year ahead of me.

Depending on my parents financially this summer has been horrible, and I hope that it will end soon. I hope that getting on this plan (which, so far today, I have been) will help me to lose the weight healthily and be able to keep it off. The goal that I set with my therapist is forty pounds by the spring (April or March). This is excruciating because I feel that I need to and could lose 15 by the end of September, but I know that it is realistic.

The most important thing I picked up this week in therapy is actually to stop blaming my mom so much. I was really angry at her by the time she came to visit and am so ready to blame her for everything now, when in reality that isn’t fair. She can’t help who she is and she isn’t doing anything differently than she has been for decades. My actions are my own responsibility. I do love her and I am fiercely loyal to her, which is what makes all of this so difficult.

I hope that I’ll be able to report some success soon.

[tweedledum]

Good luck to you on this. I especially hope you can overcome the all or nothing mentality

[Alie J]

I'm not sure if this plan is compatible with true recovery. I suppose I'm generalising but in most cases, trying to lose weight is is not recommended when in recovery from an eating disorder.

I also think you should question your therapist's assertion that you're doing this to hurt your mother. Even if your mother left the picture, I doubt your eating disorder would improve.

[JEANNE]

As always, you have my support. This is an undertaking but one that I KNOW you are capable of achieving. It's self care, Amanda. It's parenting yourself, loving yourself, treating your body as you would treat a young, hurt or needy child. It's ok to eat, to need, to feel, to care for ourselves. It's beyond ok, it's necessary to be healthy in order to be good for everyone around us.

I believe in you. And I am late in telling you that your note brought happy tears to my eyes. Thank you! I needed a pick me up and your note does that every time I re-read it.

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Allie J- I am 50 lbs over my natural weight. I think it's ok to lose weight in this case. I am EDNOS most of the time; a combination of BED and Bulimia in the past two years, exercise bulimia with anorexic tendencies before that.

Tweedle- thank you. That's the part I'm most hoping to overcome also.

Jeanne. I think of you every day. I have your card at my desk and your necklace on my neck. I'm so glad you enjoyed the card. So much love. xoxoxo

[Alie J]

Allie J- I am 50 lbs over my natural weight. I think it's ok to lose weight in this case. I am EDNOS most of the time; a combination of BED and Bulimia in the past two years, exercise bulimia with anorexic tendencies before that.

How do you know what your natural weight is?

What I mean is it's the anorexic tendencies I think you need to be concerned about. I'm not saying that you will not lose weight during recovery, just it's possible focusing on weight too much may be counterproductive and could feed the restrictive side of your eating disorder as well introduce reactive eating too.

Perhaps focusing more on the eating (more than weight) and mindfulness rather than looking for causes of the ED could be more beneficial?

[JEANNE]

How do you know what your natural weight is?

What I mean is it's the anorexic tendencies I think you need to be concerned about. I'm not saying that you will not lose weight during recovery, just it's possible focusing on weight too much may be counterproductive and could feed the restrictive side of your eating disorder as well introduce reactive eating too.

Perhaps focusing more on the eating (more than weight) and mindfulness rather than looking for causes of the ED could be more beneficial?

A lie J~ perhaps it's best to support our friend, who under the guidance of professionals is attempting to regain her healthy happiness and wellness. Possibly our role is to cheer, listen, encourage and be there for the good, the bad, the uncertain. No doubt Amanda knows her own body, she has a trusting relationship with s professional that has her best interest at heart.

I think my part is to say love you friend. I join in your plan as a supporter and i believe your happy healthy life is within reach.

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How do you know what your natural weight is?

What I mean is it's the anorexic tendencies I think you need to be concerned about. I'm not saying that you will not lose weight during recovery, just it's possible focusing on weight too much may be counterproductive and could feed the restrictive side of your eating disorder as well introduce reactive eating too.

Perhaps focusing more on the eating (more than weight) and mindfulness rather than looking for causes of the ED could be more beneficial?

Right now, it's the bulimic and BED tendencies that I need to worry about. My therapist specializes in ED treatment so I trust this plan. And it's the cause that is the most important thing. I need to go through all of this shit in therapy to help me understand why I'm treating myself in this way, either over-indulging or starving, always harming my body in reaction to… what? It's been going on since I was 11. There are deep-rooted issues that have to be resolved or at least recognized. And yes, I've read brain over binge. I appreciate her philosophy, but sometimes your will isn't stronger than what your mind is telling you about yourself, who you are and what you deserve. I liked the book but I don't think it's nearly so cut and dry. If this were about willpower, I would have stopped this behavior years ago, not gotten worse. I'm 32 and this needs to be dealt with.

She is asking me to focus on eating and mindfulness rather than weight. As you can see, most of the "rules" of the plan have nothing to do with weight. I do have to weigh myself once a week as a way for her to keep track and also because I avoid the scale when I'm out of control or weight every day when I'm restricting. It's a compromise that we agreed on.

It's possible that this plan will feed my restrictive nature, but honestly, something needs to change. It's like what my psychiatrist said when he but me on a new antidepressant that might cause my anxiety disorder to worsen: "the pros outweigh the cons, and getting you out of the depression is worth the risk of heightening your anxiety temporarily." I believe that if my restrictive tendencies return, my doctor and I will address them accordingly. And I think that as I work through my personal issues, I'll become less focused on food and eating and this disorder as a whole; right now, it's my whole life. It's my extracurricular, my vacation, my relationship. It's all I have. That's not normal.

As far as my natural weight, I know my body, and the times in my life when I've eaten most normally I've fallen into a very healthy range. It's where my body goes when things are normal and the disorder is not my main focus.

In plan news, I've defiantly disobeyed the entire thing for a week. I don't know why. It's like I feel like I need to binge right now. I'm devastated at myself. But I know I can try again tomorrow. I need to buy new food and I need to get out of this takeout slump. It's so unhealthy to eat this crap every day and it makes me feel like a lazy ass.

@Jeanne- I adore you. Thank you so much for the support- it means more than you know.

I just want to be free of this.

[bulimiargh]

This sounds like a really good plan! I might try it in order to help curb my own night eating habits (I eat the right amount but in a really disordered way - mostly binge-stuffing at night in order to spite or hurt myself).

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I just bought a bag of binge desserts. Why am I rebelling against this?