Triggered by treatment team (TW for calorie specifics)

[dejamelie]

I had a meeting with my counselor and dietitian today. I've been working on increasing my calories from 500ish to 700kcal. This past week was the first week I was able to eat 700kcal on 6 out of the 7 days. I have been really depressed this past week about the amount I've eaten and have been feeling extremely scared and out of control. As I eat more, I am beginning to feel more hunger and that terrifies me. Basically I feel like sh*t about myself for eating as much as I have been.

Anyways, I met with my treatment team and told them how well I did with the calorie goal this week. My counselor kept asking how I was able to eat 700kcal, why I didn't feel too anxious to eat that much, and why I didn't exercise to compensate for it. She said she expected me to feel more anxious.. and to not be able to eat so much. I think she was just trying to make me aware of what allowed me to eat more this week, so I can implement that in future weeks... But really it just made me feel like I have been eating a lot (too much), and that I should have felt more anxious about it and that I should have been exercising to compensate for it.

I almost didnt go to my appointments today because I was so depressed about my weight being 1lb more today than yesterday... and I just didn't need that reaction from her. I feel so crappy now and have been fasting all day because of it.

I guess I'm just venting... I almost feel as if I need to keep eating 500kcal to meet my treatment teams expectations of me...

Thanks for reading.

[AXT]

Sending hugs sweetheart <3 I'm sorry you've been going through a hard time but I'm really really proud of you for pushing through ! You're doing great. I understand this whole comments and reactions thing, and I think you should share this with your team in a way or another, let them know. I think she might have been both trying to force you to become aware of the mechanisms that you have been putting in place to et through this week, but she might also in the back of her mind, be wanting to make sure you were being honest. We are, after all, quite famous for our scheming and deceiving lies. Asking might have splurged a confession out of you. And it also served a purpose in itself in the case you were indeed being honest. So I think it was sensible for her to ask, but she failed to comprehend your side of it. On the receiving end, it just makes you feel like crap and confused. So just let them know. Don't give up. Keep going!

[Skirefly]

i have the same thing. I don't think they realize that when you exceed expectations, you don't need them telling you that you 'should be eating less'. Or at least that's what it feels like.

[lifenbones]

Totally get why you would feel the way you do.
Since recovery seems to be your goal, just remind yourself that if you are doing better then they thought, they aren't even doing, and don't know how hard it can be it then your doing "damn well, and prob. can succeed at anything."
Best of luck with your goals.