planning

[Got Sick]

it doesn't bring me much comfort, really, but i've been planning and planning down to the last detail how i will kill myself

it isn't anything unrealistic: it's all shit that can and will actually happen, which i am proud of
what a great thinker am i

does anyone else do this? do they ever act on it?
mine has to happen on a certain date, so i have a couple of months before it actually happens (my parents will be leaving, and i will have the car), which i think is good as it will test my will to live

[Got Sick]

side note: i guessa lot of suicides don't really require all that much planning? i just want to ensure it works and isn't just an attempt. plus, as a minor, i have limited access to dangerous weapons

[HallowedGround]

When I did it, which actually worked for a few minutes, it was completely unplanned. I felt so shitty at the time, that none of my reasons to live mattered(in fact they weren't even considered).

Ps. Please don't go through with it. I know you're hurting, but try and think about how your loved ones will feel. Think about how expensive funerals are, and if your parents can handle the cost, emotionally and monetarily. People love you, and they want you alive. There are other options.

[kodachrome]

There have been a number of times in my life when I seriously considered killing myself. The only thing that didn't was, in the midst of all of the hopeless misery that weighed me down every day, was this tiny, nagging thought: What if? What if I killed myself and things could have gotten better if I had just stayed alive a little longer and struggled through it?

My life has had a lot of ups and downs and I still struggle every day, but at the end of the day, I'm glad that I didn't end it. That what if was right--things did get better. Do I still have a long road in front of me? Hell yes, I do. But the future isn't nearly as bleak as I once thought it to be. I know it probably doesn't feel that way to you right now, but if you hang in there, it will.

And, really, HallowedGround is right about the impact on other people. I hated it when people would say that to me when I was suicidal ("Think about how sad your parents would be!" well, good for fucking them, how about the fact that I'm miserable now?), but... as I've gotten older, I've realized that no matter how miserable I might feel, I would never want to pass that misery onto someone else to relieve my own. My uncle killed himself seventeen years ago, and my grandparents still wear that weight around their neck like a heavy anchor to this day. I couldn't condemn my parents to that same sentence.