Oh hai!

[Yufhi]

Hello there,

Yufhi here, long time lurker, first time poster (please be gentle!)

I'm not really too sure what to say about myself, I'm not much into self promotion I'm a conservation student at uni, I like dogs and squirrels and am having a bit of a rough time irl atm so I thought I'd take the plunge and register here and find some comfort knowing I'm not alone in my struggles.

Nice to meet you!

[AXT]

Heyyyyy welcome home! Awh squirrels <3
Look there's always someone to talk to here so don't be shy, I hope you find all the support and help you need to get through this rough patch, and make friends along the way. *hugs*

[bulimiargh]

Welcome to WE! Why not tell us a little more about you and what brings you to seek support here? 😊

[Yufhi]

Awwww, now you've put me on the spot, haha!

I've generally had a really easy life, everything has just sort of landed in my lap (ED-episodes aside) but I've just had the roughest 6 weeks of my life and I can feel myself backsliding and, to be perfectly honest, I'm kinda enjoying it. To summerise, I had a lump in my breast which I wasn't too worried about, they took me in for a biopsy which came back as inconclusive (still not *too* worried) and scheduled me for a core biopsy - the results of which took 2 weeks to come back and during this time my armpit lymph node swelled (swole?) right up and I completely convinced myself I was going to die (I'm fine, total freak out about nothing). A few days after the results I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years, which completely frazzled me because (it shames me to admit this because I'm 30) I've never actually lived on my own before (Bills? Wtf are these? Omg, what do you mean toilet roll just doesn't magically appear? It actually took me half a day to figure out how to work the washing machine... I've snapped my washing line because apparantly wet clothes weigh a tonne. How do you defrost a freezer? etc., etc.,) I am really, really terrible at this whole independance thing. Then my family dog died, which probably shouldn't be such a big deal, but he was my first true love, I loved him so much that I now keep the same breed (German Shepherd) and I named my first dog after him. Then I got bitten on the face by a small yappy type dog which was horriffic both mentally and physically - I mean, I have a pretty good outlook regarding the event but it was right under my eye and my whole head swelled up like a big fat balloon and I looked totally deformed and felt sooooooo sorry for myself, and the pain... omg... the pain. It's still not totally healed, but I don't look all crazy anymore. I'm currently undertaking my dissertation which is just... ugh... the pressure and the effort it's taking is stressing me out no end. I'm petrified I wont do well and the last 4 years studying and financing my way through college, then uni will all have been a waste of time and I'll be stuck in a dead end job forever. To top it off, a couple months ago I took a job as a kitchen porter because a) calories! and b) the times will fit in perfectly around my fieldwork when I do it in January(ish). I work with 3 boys, one 19, one 21 and the head chef 25 and the kitchen is THE most unprofessional place in the world. The boys are constantly joking about and the banter seriously borders on bullying, which was fine when I first started and I was all happy go lucky, but now... ugh.. I just feel like they're picking on me constantly. I get that they're just kids (I mean, 2 of them don't even have fully developed brains yet) so they probably don't understant just how anxious and messed up I am right now and I just can't get them to back off and leave me alone. I've just stopped talking, I figured if I didn't speak they wouldn't talk to me, but it's not working. I just want to wash my dishes and go home, I wish I was invisible.

I've started restricting like mad, fasting as much as I can and the weight is dropping off me and it makes me feel better. I have no family nearby, no friends (because with the dogs and my ex, I didn't need friends when we moved here a year ago) and my ex is going to take his dog back when he sorts out a house (currently residing with his family) so everytime I look at that dog all I can hear is TICK, TOCK, TICK, TOCK.

So, yea... that's about it, I think...

Edit: Omg... you've no idea how much better I feel just having a moan about it all

[KoH.]

im all dizzy lol lets go back to squirrels!!!!! Lol... Welcome to WE! Glad you finally joined by the looks of things girl you got a lot of damned talking to do as i dont think youre quite finished. But youve done very good for now..

Ok.. Where to begin!! Dont know what went on with the fella for you guys to split but youre done with him now and some people would count that as a blessing so now we dance and sing "'living on my own' by Queen. Its a must do. I dont know why but when youve spent a large part of your life doing things to please someone else and forgetting yourself, this song just remind you that now you are FREE. youre a new woman!! I advise a new haircut to continue the flow of things - dye it, chop it off, whatever. New goal is to grow it all out now just get rid of the past and move on with your future.

relax about the independance thing.. You can totally hack it. Youre doing just fine as it is. The only reason people ever get 'good' at things is because they made the choice to follow through and not run away. Running away cowardly will only leave you in the same position you are now; fearlessly living your fate through will help your progress into becoming knowledgable person - the same person just a with a slight increase more of knowing than the day before.

As for your studies, this may sound a little patronising beyond belief but HAVE FUN with it. I never did during mine. I did the work and i did not try to enjoy it. I think i tried a little but i didnt try hard enough to actually find the fun. Im done with that now and im the same person with the same interests who can see the fun in what i was doing. I regret not enjoying my work. If you enjoy what you are doing, whatever you are doing, and putting in all the hard work you can possibly give, you will not look back and regret all the fun and work you out into it. No one regrets putting too much hard work into stuff as it always pays off. I dont mean pay as in materialistically.

The boys at your job are just temporary. Your job is just temporary! Everything your going thro in your life is just a temporary thing. Heck, even your life is temporary. Dont worry about being stuck anywhere because youre not gonna be. Just make sure that whatever you are doing brings you some kind of joy. Find a new job if it really bothers you! you didnt plan on staying put there anyway. I know youre in the uk though, you dont need to tell me how much of a tough place for jobs it is here as i already know!!

The answer is very simple for you and its to keel your chin up and tackle all your problems head on. Deal with it as they come and to not back away. When your dont do anything, youre just gonna shy away and be nervous of everything. Not tackling problems and seeing things in their clear views will weaken you! And when you are at your weakest, bad thoughts and feelings come through and you restrict more and more. The more you give into these thoughts, the more they take over.

I dont think youre the kind of person to do that though. I wouldnt spend all this time writing all this and reading your story if i thought youre the kind to run cos i got no time for the likes of those lol theyre the bullies in this world and thats just not you. How can i tell? Um. I cant. But the fact you got yourself, all on your own to join here, i dont care how long it took but you did, and for then someone to ask you to explain more about yourself and you sharing us your recent experiences... its a sign of bravery....Yeh its not jumping off a helicopter but thats not brave thats just stupid. People confuse stupidity with bravery! But these small things, they help you grow strong.

Im gonna um.. Stop talking... You gota enough reading on your plate as it is!!

[Yufhi]

Your advice is sound as fuck, sometimes I feel like I need someone to shake me and tell me get a grip, lol! I am trying so hard and I'm lucky enough to have my parents helping me out financially while I find my feet - my sweet mum actually said to me recently that "the bank of mum and dad is open until you're coping" and she swears that in 6 months I'll look back at this phase and laugh at how silly and useless I was but I just can't shake this feeling that I'm a total failure. I started boshing the odd vallie and I know I shouldn't but I feel so much less disconnected when I've taken the edge off life - I actuallly spoke and make bad jokes with the boys at work today, I think it's the first time I've actually spoken in 2 weeks, lol! I'm still restricting though, and I can still feel like I'm back sliding, I can't help it, I take such comfort in the control it makes me (mistakenly, I know) feel while my life is just spiriling out of control.

I feel so silly complaining about such silly problems like not knowing how to manage money, I know I should be able to do this at my age, it makes me feel like such a failure and dissappointment (even though noone is actually saying that to me, infact, they're all saying the same as you - you're getting there, you're doing well, it's all going to be ok given time) but it just doesn't feel like it. All this petty bullshit like the fridge breaking, the washing line snapping, etc., just feels like I'm one step closer to the straw that broke the camels back :/

I'm taking comfort and motivation from dropping the weight, I'm obsessing about calories, I'm even measuring out 15mls of skimmed milk for my coffee - I *know* I shouldn't be doing this, I know it's a slippery slope, I KNOW better! But I just can't help myself :/