Life after inpatient treatment

[never_thin_enough]

Well it's been a while since I posted anything.
I was in inpatient treatment from April to July, and I am now repeating my final year at school before (hopefully) going to uni.
I was wondering if anyone was in the position that I am in now.
I still have disordered eating to some extent, but am able to maintain a healthy weight whilst moderately exercising every day. I feel as though if I let go of these disordered ways, I am going to gain above the point I am maintaining at, which is not my set point for my age. I have no idea what my set point is now.
School isn't going as well as I had hoped, because the topics are so confusing. I thought that I'd be able to understand things better after returning, but things don't "click" like I want them too.
My main reason for maintaining is so I can do well at school, so I keep thinking, if I am not understanding things and falling to the bottom of my classes then what's the point in carrying on with recovery? Does that make sense? I know it is very "all or nothing" thinking, and I know there is more to life than education, but I don't know what to do about it.
I feel as if I need to prove that I am not stupid, not only to my teachers (so they don't think I am not worth helping) but also to myself. It's as if, if I do okay in school, then recovery is worth it.


Has anyone experienced anything similar to this? How did you deal with it?

Lots of love xx

[ntt_3]

I don't have too much time to write a proper response right now, but my first thought is...

Give yourself some time. Most all things in life that are worthwhile take a little bit of time. The fatalistic way of thinking where readjusting to academics not going perfectly = might as well just relapse is pure ED/depression/just plain unhealthy thinking. Try to work on just accepting who you are and where you're at right now, and trust that life WILL fall into place if you keep making the right choices everyday. You're doing the right thing, and it will pay off for you. Hang in there.

x

[measureinsmiles]

Ive been out of inpatient for a year now and im having the same things that are happening to you with me except they have lessened over time. Just make sure to realize that those thoughts are disordered. if you do end up relapsing it will just cause you to stay back another year. If you keep moving forward eventually it will all pass. It may take months or even years but recovering from an ed takes awhile. Try to take a break from exercising every single day and limit yourself to a couple times a week. It will open more time for you to focus on school. There will be moments when you ask yourself why you keep on going but you have to make sure you tell yourself every single time you want an ed free life. Think of going to uni and how much fun you can have not in the graspse of ed.

[sushi?]

I'm thinking of going into IP and this is one of my biggest fears. What if all my flaws that I've been blaming on bulimia are just my flaws in general!? It's s easy to blame a bad a bad mark or general foggy-ness on your ED. All I can say is that it would be worth it to face any sort of truth than to "live" with an ED- (Who actually lives with an ED). You have gone through a lot, a nd your mind wont immediately recover from it! Just take it easy, this is better than being sick!

Edit: Yeah if you still have ED thoughts and habits that will definitely affect you! It's not that you're not smart enough; some of my friends will study for weeks and get a 85%. It's just that you're preoccupied! I can't study for more than 10 minutes without getting ED thoughts, thus ruining my studying, no matter how much I re-read it I wont absorb it because of ED thoughts!

[never_thin_enough]

I'm thinking of going into IP and this is one of my biggest fears. What if all my flaws that I've been blaming on bulimia are just my flaws in general!? It's s easy to blame a bad a bad mark or general foggy-ness on your ED. All I can say is that it would be worth it to face any sort of truth than to "live" with an ED- (Who actually lives with an ED). You have gone through a lot, a nd your mind wont immediately recover from it! Just take it easy, this is better than being sick!

Edit: Yeah if you still have ED thoughts and habits that will definitely affect you! It's not that you're not smart enough; some of my friends will study for weeks and get a 85%. It's just that you're preoccupied! I can't study for more than 10 minutes without getting ED thoughts, thus ruining my studying, no matter how much I re-read it I wont absorb it because of ED thoughts!

Thank you. What I can say about IP is that, without it I would have never broken my B/P cycle. Looking back, I am shocked at how much time and energy I gave to my ED, energy I am now putting in to my studies. I haven't B/P'd in a while, and for me, I needed IP to make that happen. Going cold turkey works for some people. If you do go IP, just roll with it, and when times get tough, write down what you want out of life. Chances are, what you want, and what ED wants are polar opposites.
Someone once told me "We can't prevent the birds of sorrow landing on our shoulder. We can prevent them from nesting in our hair."

We can do this.

[fruit-loop]

For me, realising there is no 'standard - cookie-cutter method' for recovery has been one of the most helpful things.
(* I write on a day when I'm generally feeling quite positive) To get better takes the time it takes, which varies from person to person. Trying to fit some kind of recovery mould is UN-helpful & unrealistic - try accept where you are right now... work out where you want to be & try to identify the bits in-between. Having a support team (professional & personal) is important, even sometimes if its just to sound off ideas or keep yourself accountable.

I'm by no means 'recovered'... but yup I've been in better (& worse) stages of this. Having a bad day/week/month does not mean you're right back to the start. Layers... steps... whatever works for you. "Its a process" (*sorry I actually HATE that expression. Sounds right wanker-ish - but...its...kinda. true #fadesoffquietlywithdowncasteyes)

[annaliese]

Take your time. You've been through a lot mentally, and your brain will be exhausted and getting used to the new things. As long as you try your hardest and put the work in, you'll catch up to it all, and you can't blame yourself as you've know you've tried.

I didn't have this problem, but I've just started uni and I feel very very very weird and full of anorexia (so to speak) so if you ever want to talk I'm here, as it's a very odd time!