Being honest but losing treatment team's trust?

[dejamelie]

So, I've been sectioned and tube fed in the hospital for the past month... And I have been pretty back and forth on whether or not I am ready to recover. Sometimes the eating disorder takes over, other times I really do want to get better.

Over the past week, I got carried away with the eating disorder and started draining my tube feeds... No one has caught me and no one suspects a thing. They have noticed I stopped gaining weight, and are now talking about increasing my calories. I want to stop draining the tube but now I'm worried that if I stop I will gain weight really quickly again (like I did at the start of treatment). And, they might increase my intake, which would mean even more weight gain...

The healthy part of me really wants to confess what I have been doing to my dietitian. I know I need to be honest with my team if I actually want to get better. But I am so worried I will lose my dietitians trust... I really enjoy working with her and find it really helpful to see her. I don't want this to negatively impact the way we work together. I am also worried she'll tell the doctor (I can't imagine she wouldn't tell him), and that I'll get put back on 24 hr watch with basically no human dignity (bathroom door kept open, no one believing a word I say, etc).

I realize that they have the right to stop trusting me because I have been deceiving them... but unless I want to keep draining the feed and continue deceiving them, I don't see another way out of it.

I don't know what to do...

[manda83]

Just be honest and tell them what youve been doing. You will get and gain more trust by being honest than lying to your team.
If you ever want to get out of there you need to tell them and yes you might have to go back on 24hr watch but the only person to blame for that is you, it wouldnt be forever but if you want to gain trust and ever get out of there you'll have to suck it up, be honest with them and deal with the consequences.

[Solita]

Yup. The only way to gain back their trust is to start being honest. This is not only a lesson for you now, but a lesson for the rest of your life. There may be consequences if you lie, but if you keep lying, the consequences just get worse and worse…the spiral keeps deepening…and you find yourself eternally fucked, basically. Just tell the truth, suck up the consequences, and move on.

[Skirefly]

Yeah. You have to be honest because one way or another they are going to find out. You can't delay gaining weight forever and they will know something's up. They will be much more inclined to trust you if you tell them yourself versus if they find out themselves.

[bulimiargh]

You're going to have to gain the weight either way: either by having your tube calories or continuing to cheat the tube but having an increase in the feed. So my advice is to be honest: it'll work out better for you in the long term.

[annaliese]

They will find out eventually and they'll up the calories anyway, and you'll have lost more trust or privileges. Being honest means less stress at having the pressure of having to be secretive and drain your feeds, being sectioned for longer and having to have the stress of more calories too.

[dejamelie]

Well, I told her. You guys were right, she thanked me for being honest and said if anything she trusts me more now... She also said that being honest like that is what will help me with recovery.
Though, I could sense there was some ...disappointment or frustration or something (understandably).
I still feel sh*tty. But, I probably feel less sh*tty now than if I had kept it a secret (or, I at least feel a little bit less alone in all this).

Thanks for the input everyone

[bulimiargh]

Glad it all worked out too! You're a strong brave girl and you'll get through this 💕

[Skirefly]

Yay! That must have taken a lot of courage. Of course she's going to be a bit disappointed but overall I think she should be proud of you.

[ntt_3]

So glad you did that, I can 110% guarantee you it was the right thing to do and I think you can feel that already. That took a lot of strength and maturity. I know it's hard with the ED voice, but you deserve to feel good about yourself.