Anyone else here have no life outside of b/p? (TW...talks about bping)

[Lostsoul]

Hey guys. I guess I'm just curious how everyone else with bulimia lives their daily lives. Does it stop you from doing certain things such as school, work, studying, social life etc?

For me my entire life is Ed. I wake up and think of bping. I eat a safe breakfast usually around 11 or 12am (yes I'm avoiding eating when i first wake up but I never used to eat anything outside b/p in the past so it's a step). I have to go to campus for class 2 days a week. On those days I bring some sort of safe small lunch. All during the day I am thinking abotu going home and b/ping. It's all i think of when i wake up and I feel like my day revolves around the evenings b/ping. I usually end up leaving class to go home to bp becuase my urges are just too strong and it takes an hour to get home. If I have an appointment that day i wake up, study all morning until my appointment, and all thoughtout I can't wait to go home to b/p. Also, whenever I'm out I ALWAYS have to stop at the grocery store. I have binge food for days, yet I have to buy more. I am a hoarder for sure.

But then, when I'm b/ping I just want to stop. Sometimes I'm crying while b/ping. For me, I get mre satisfaction while I'm binging. I hate purging...it's just the aftermath of binging. All during (especially the purge which takes me awhile) I'm crying just wanting to stop. My session last about 4-5 hours from early evening on. It's a big improvement from where I was last year, yet my body is still so weak and it feels like it's going to give up on me if I continue on this way.

Other than appointments and class and studying I have no life. I'm too anxious to hang out with my one good friend, plus b/ping gets in the way. If I do't do it I feel like I'm a drug addict in withdrawals. In order for me to stop I always have to end up in treatment

Is anyone else possessed by this horrible illness like this?

[jay27]

In a word, yes. Substitute work for class and that's my life in a nutshell.

[Lostsoul]

In a word, yes. Substitute work for class and that's my life in a nutshell.

sorry you know this all too well

It's Saturday night and most normal people are relaxing and being social while I'm at home bping. I wish I knew more to life

[jay27]

sorry you know this all too well

It's Saturday night and most normal people are relaxing and being social while I'm at home bping. I wish I knew more to life

I hate it so much. I don't even enjoy it and would give anything to be free of it. There's so much I would rather do and be...

[Solita]

I hate it so much. I don't even enjoy it and would give anything to be free of it. There's so much I would rather do and be...

You say you would give anything to be free of it. Do you really mean that, honey?

I remember there was a time in my life when I could have written this post. I was absolutely trapped by the cycle. It was horrific. I didn't ever imagine I would find my way out. I remember being so helpless. I was dying, literally and figuratively.

I went to inpatient for several months. MONTHS. This was back in 2011. Though I relapsed afterwards, not nearly to the degree I was prior. I've not required hospitalization since I was released. I've been able to have an actual life again. I'm working harder on my recovery than I ever have, on an outpatient basis, right now. I am handling a tremendous course load and doing things I never would have imagined a few years ago.

It took a lot of work. I mean, this is the hardest thing I've ever done…recovery. But every day I wake up I think of the hell that I am escaping by learning to tolerate the anxiety that feels like it might kill me. That is the key - the anxiety FEELS like it will kill you, but it won't. The eating disorder will. So you have a choice. You can go to inpatient - not for a few days or weeks, like you do, but for the long haul. And you have to commit to doing the work. And then if you relapse you go back. And you do whatever it fucking takes. Because you say that you would do anything to be free of this. And that is why I ask you…do you mean that?

[Solita]

Oops @Jay27 I thought your response was @lostsoul! Either way. I hope I don't sound pushy/holier-than-thou. Lord knows my recovery is not perfect, FFS! It is hard. I want to murder something all the time. I just know this feeling. And it is such a SUCKY SUCKY feeling. I empathize. Hugs to both of you <3 <3 <3

[Lostsoul]

Oops @Jay27 I thought your response was @lostsoul! Either way. I hope I don't sound pushy/holier-than-thou. Lord knows my recovery is not perfect, FFS! It is hard. I want to murder something all the time. I just know this feeling. And it is such a SUCKY SUCKY feeling. I empathize. Hugs to both of you <3 <3 <3

I'm SO confused. Was this for me or Jay?

Anyways, I've been IP for months at a time, residential for 10 months, day programs etc. I've done it all. I logically know what I need to do but there's this block in my head. I've done it before. I've had a year of no restricting or bping back in 2012. I'm not trying to make excuses but I've had it rough and when things get really bad in life my mood gets so low which then causes the vicious Ed cycle. So....I end up relapsing. I'm tired of trying and failing. I've been in treatment 12xs (not including short stays). I felt happy once. Felt more confident. Thought I was recovered. It is SO disappointing and it has taken away a lot of my motivation to even try. The failing its me harder each time and now I'm just so depressed that I can't see the light. This is just my personal experience so far.

I believe in recovery and I've seen people fully recover. I'm just expressing my own feelings here. I feel alone and its nice to come on WE and not always feel alone. Since right now I don't have much of a social life (nor the energy for it) I come on here.

[Solita]

I thought that it was you who said you would do anything to be free of it. So I was responding to that as if you had said it, lostsoul. Sorry for the confusion. I'm so sorry you're feeling so desperate and alone. I know that feeling of having relapsed for the umpteenth time and feeling like, WTF this is just never going to work. The fact that you believe in recovery is a beautiful, wonderful thing and you keep holding onto that. That alone speaks volumes about the kind of person you are. THAT is light, honey.

You're not a failure. You had a year, in 2012, of no restricting or B/Ping. That is freaking amazing. YOU did that. No one else did it for you. So. It's in you.

I truly believe in you. It won't be like this forever.

[d0ze]

It stops me from working. It becomes an urge that needs to be actively distracted, so in one way I do have many ways to escape from the feeling, but it's so strong I usually just spend what little money I have on food that needs to be eating really fast while doing something repetitive and pointless. Cue a few hours on the internet doing nothing but chewing and scrolling, and then 20 minutes of purging and trying to clean up a mess. I kind of stare at unfinished stuff half-longingly like i'm spellbound by a box of captain crunch.

I probably binge almost every day, and almost every time I binge I purge. Some days I give up. So I usually do good during the day, but once I have a chance to escape and I have no more social obligations I'm off to the local general store to buy a bunch of shit.. night is really my worst enemy.

Sadly on the other side when I "successfully" restrict for a day it's like I bust out a lot of work, do a lot of stuff, I get pretty manic I think, and I wind up smoking a lot and drinking a lot of caffiene.
That yin and yang aspect shouldn't exist but it's grown on me just from repeating it so much. That and drugs... doing drugs to restrict kind of forces that crazy behavior in your brain. don't do drugs kids.

[blue_briar]

yes. My life in a nutshell when I'm not on holidays: B/P episodes, uni... I even jeopardise my uni grades because of how much times I waste b/ping

I'm not even exaggerating. The only times I go out is to go to the shopping centre (usually to a supermarket to buy groceries).

I'm really worried about the holidays.. thats when B/P gets really bad.... and its already really bad