what now (TW)

[csimeowcsi]

For a while i think i was doing so much better. No way near normal but i managed to stop purging and my binging was most of the time under control. I acted almost like a normal person although in my head i still had really messed up thoughts and was still obsessing over food. It felt so good to finally after so many years move in the direction of something hopefully better.

Then life happened. I had to move back home and all my triggers are around again. It's been 4 month now and everything is spiralling out of control. Today i had one of my worst binges since last year and i was so close to purging. I don't know how i stopped but now i feel like a fat failure.

Nobody home really knows what's going on with me and the ones that know don't really understand how bad things are getting. I feel so helpless. I know i have to start doing something with my life and once things start happening it will be ok again but i have no motivation... Depression sucks

[Hershey]

I definitely understand the depression part and lack of motivation. I have minimal motivation right now in every aspect of my life.

I guess the only advice I have is to tell someone about what is going on. That's what friends and family are for. It may seem embarrassing or a waste of time, but since you don't have the motivation to change right now...maybe someone can hold you up and carry you along until you feel like you can do it yourself.

Depression...comes in waves I guess, or at least with me it does. I hope you have the opportunity to go see a psychiatrist or therapist. I know a lot of people are against medication, but for me it made a huge difference.

Maybe list out all of your triggers and ways to overcome/avoid them. Or make a list of things that would make you happy or get you away from home. Find a busy volunteer position or job so you have less time to sit around and think.

My heart goes out to you. Binges just fuck up the whole entire week. I hope you can get out of this rut.

[Hershey]

Whatever you do...just avoid being bored.

Regardless of the motivation, you HAVE to force yourself to move and get out of the house---anything that will take up time. I know you're tired, but just give this a shot and give your all.

Things will get better.

[csimeowcsi]

Thanks for the advice
I tried to talk to my best friend or at least i though for 14 years that she was my best friend. Before i got anywhere she told me to stop throwing tantrums because apparently that's all i do. First i was really angry but now i'm just hurt and sad. I'm pretty sure that was the last push that got me here. So i don't really feel like talking to anyone else anytime soon because i don't think i can handle this again.

To be honest i've been thinking of getting professional help but i'm just not ready. I was pretty ok on my own. Not perfect but not bad and i just want to get back there.

I know i should start doing something but it's so hard to get out of the bed and do something productive. Not to mention that the first i should do is to decide what i want to do with my life and get a job which is not an easy one. Somehow i wasted all these years in my head and now i'm an adult and i don't know how to do grown up stuff.

Nothing is a better trigger than anxiety and abandonment. But tomorrow is a new day and one of these tomorrows i will get out of bed and start living again. I really hope it will be this tomorrow because i'm so tired and i need something good to happen.

Okay enough sad thoughts and complaining for today. It's time to force my cat to love me back and get distracted from reality.