Back at it... i

[obsessedxx]

In 2011, I dropped out of my sophomore year of college to go through an outpatient program which I was in for 3 months. Although still binging and purging a few tines a week, I had made tremendous progress, actually felt a desire to follow my meal plan, quit restricting all together and started gaining healthy weight as they call it. At the time I was dating my ex of 3 years and he was so supportive and understanding of me (I didn't realize until my current relationship that was very lucky to have someone that didn't judge me for having an eating disorder and that those kind of people are so hard to find). For about two years, I've been slowly letting go of my eating disorder. I did however start to lean heavily on weed. It faded out my terrible self destructive thoughts and instead of running to the bathroom when I thought I'd ate too much, id take a hit, think about something else and the urge would pass in a matter of seconds. Some people, including my mother, believe that it helped me through the worst of my ed. Some people say that I simply traded one addiction for another. Me, I see both sides. My current boyfriend hates weed with the passion of a thousand burning suns and thinks that my eating disorder is stupid. But for about 2 1/2, 3 years I've maintained a healthy weight and completely quit all of my behaviors, including weighing myself. I somehow became comfortable with being a size 5 instead of a 1. Yesterday I weighed myself and was, to say the least, mortified at the number I saw. I barely ate all day and once I did I was so disgusted that my body just purged on its own from nerves and anxiety. Today I did the same except binged and purged at the end of the night. I feel like a crazy person. I was doing so well and all of a sudden because of a number I feel like I'm about to lose everything that I've worked so hard on and I just don't even care which makes me even more upset. If you read this far you're a gem, I had to explode somewhere and I felt here was the right place. Also my therapist of the past 3 years quit. Everything is falling downhill.

[PSALM]

Hi Obsessedxx, thanks for sharing your story, it takes a lot of courage! I myself have been recovered for the last 4 years and managed to find a happy balance with food and weight. I also haven’t weighed myself since stopping my B/P cycles because I know I will never be the same I was and don’t want it to trigger anything. I simply go by how I feel, and feeling fit and healthy beats any old number on the scales. You need to remember that a number is just a number, it doesn’t factor in your personality, spirit, strengths and any other part of you that is more meaningful than your weight. You sound like you’re having a bit of a set back right now and I know it sucks, but you have been in recovery for such a long time now, why would you ever want to go back to that terrible place again! You know what that road is like, you’ve been there before, you know what you’re in for once you start again. There are so many therapists out there that would be willing to help, I know its annoying to have to retell the story again from the beginning, but it won’t be a difficult process if you find the right specialist that understands what you’re going through. You’re not crazy, you’re just having a moment, take control of this moment and get back on track. PM me if you would like some more support. You can do this xx

[blue_briar]

God I've been there before! I was in recovery for 6 months and what caused me to snap was looking at myself in the mirror. No one in my treatment team would tell me what I weighed... I was told I was 'maintaining' but then I was given mixed messages aswell.

One night I looked in the mirror and I knew I wasn't body dysmorphic.. I could tell I had put on some significant weight, not just by the mirror but how clothes fit me too. That night I B/P... then when I told my dietician the next day what had happened she disclosed to me that, in fact, I WAS putting on weight slowly slowly creeping up.

WHen I finally did look at the scales my jaw dropped.

The advice I can give you is to nip it in the but now. Theres, of course, never a 'too late' but things will get worse progressively over time the longer you leave it.

I guess what I could also say.. which is a little disheartening for me to disclose is that maybe you weren't as recovered as you thought you were.. when I look back at my '6 month recovery' period I saw a lot of flaws... I was very restrictive in what I would allow myself.. still counted calories.. had a set '2 hour' walking minimum per day I had to fulfil.. all the rules were still there.. the ED was still in strong force but It was rather EDNOS not bulimia. I'm not in any way dismissing all the effort I made whilst recovering.. all the times I pushed past my ED and took control! because I am still grateful for my strength in those days and it shows me that I can have that strength again! Just like you can

You need a strong support network. If you can find group therapy that would be great.. find another psychologist, I'm sorry to hear yours has left but you can do this.

ALWAYS remember NO ONE can take away your achievements. NO ONE!! Not even the future can. They will always be there to remind you how strong you were, how strong you are!