ED interacting w/ depression TW

[hannah.rose.hinton]

Sorry for the essay, guys. I seriously need to stop writing these novels.
As always, any advice or telling me you can relate would be welcomed.


So, I was anorexic, I tried to recover, ended up w/ BED. It would probably be bulimia, except I have this humongous fear of vomiting. Combine that with my sucky gag reflex, and I am unable to p urge. Which makes me feel like even more of a stupid fat failure.

Anyway, as my ED started to get better, my depression started to get worse. I don't think that's a coincidence.

Lately, I have lost all will to try to recover, bc I'm just too depressed to make the effort. I don't even try to stop the binges anymore. I'm often even too depressed to start hating myself immediately after. The self-hatred sometimes doesn't come for minutes, hours, even a whole day after. Usually whenever I start to feel a teeny bit hopeful again.

I have also lost a lot of my willpower to restrict. I start to restrict, but then I get super depressed, and I just go, "Fuck this, fuck everything, I don't even care, I'm just gonna binge." Which of course only triggers even more self-hatred, more attempts to restrict, etc.

My bff thinks I'm doing better cuz I've been eating, but in actuality, I'm doing just as bad, probably worse in some ways, as I was doing in the midst of my anorexia.

The worst part is that I still hate my weight almost as much as I did when my anorexia was at its worst. But still I keep binging. And it has been causing me to gain and gain and gain and I hate it so so so so much, and I'm terrified I'll just keep on gaining and gaing forever.
I sometimes try to tell myself that my weight doesn't matter that much, I shouldn't care, etc. But it doesn't work.
During English today I started pinching my lower arm and just couldn't stop. It seemed impossible and so stupid and disgusting that my lower arm could have that much extra fat. Then my teacher gave us this assignment that made no sense, and it was just too much. I started to panic even more, and had to leave to go calm down in the bathroom. I swear I spend half of my life panicking and crying and freaking out in bathrooms.

I know there's probably some stuff I could do to try to help my body image become better, but part of me is NOT READY.

I'm going to try to restrict again tomorrow, even though I know I'll fail. Bc the only thing that makes the depression better is restricting. Well, it works for the first few days, at least.

Also, I have come to dread and hate Sunday nights and Mondays now, bc they're so triggering. On Sunday night, after a whole weekend of binging, I completely freak out, and do stuff like stay up til 2am looking at thinspo. Mondays, I try to restrict. I usually end up binging Monday night. If not, I usually binge Tuesday.
I am so sick of this, but I have given up hope trying to stop it. It just seems pointless and hopeless to even bother trying anymore, cuz I'm never gonna succeed.

[manda83]

Sounds like you have a hell of a lot going on.

Have you tried not restricting? That will probably be the main reason you are binging. If you got adequate calories in everyday then the binging would likely stop quite quickly.
Have you looked up reactive eating? That will give you a better breakdown of what and why things are happening...pretty much everytime you restrict you are setting yourself up for a binge.

[hannah.rose.hinton]

Nah, the binges are usually emotional and not hunger or cravings. Those I can deal with easily compaired to emotional binges. I'm getting a lot more calories than I need everyday, too. I've actually gained back twice the amount of weight ana made me lose, and I'm still gaining.

Even when I was trying to recover, and had gone weeks w/o restricting, I still binged.

The one thing I'm probably doing badly is on weekdays, I don't eat breakfast or lunch, only dinner. (And sometimes an afternoon or night binge.) But I tried eating 3 meals a day, and I just binged at ALL of them. Which is what still happens on weekends. But this way, on weekdays, even though I overeat/binge at dinner, I don't go quite as far over the number of calories I need bc I'm not having to add in calories binged at breakfast and lunch.

Sorry, I'm not sure if that was coherent. I'm pretty tired. Let me know if I didn't make sense.

[chocolate]

i've been binging the entire month of november non stop :/ i can relate. my self esteem is horrible right now and i feel like i;ve gained sooo much weight. i don't even want to look at the scale :/

[Lady Persephone]

Yes, this is where I am. I'm trying so hard to get my control back, but I just feel like an all around huge failure. I think if I looked at the scale I would have a nervous breakdown to see what it read. I know I don't want to be as sickly thin as I was before, but neither do I want to become the blob. *sigh of exasperation* And at the same time I'm trying to overcome alcoholism, which aggravates my cravings to binge to appease the addiction. Then binging aggravates my e.d. Vicious little cycle.

Oh well, I'm just ranting here. Feels good to rant.

[Lady Persephone]

My bff thinks I'm doing better cuz I've been eating, but in actuality, I'm doing just as bad, probably worse in some ways, as I was doing in the midst of my anorexia.

The worst part is that I still hate my weight almost as much as I did when my anorexia was at its worst. But still I keep binging. And it has been causing me to gain and gain and gain and I hate it so so so so much, and I'm terrified I'll just keep on gaining and gaing forever.

This--totally relate to that.