suicidal thoughts... TW?

[Ana13]

I imagine myself cutting nerves in my hand. Its more like willing myself to do that. Bt then I start thinking abt everyone in my life n I dnt want them to feel any kind of pain bcuz of me. Bt I can't seem to stop thinking abt different ways to end my life cuz I'm sick of being bulimic. When I'm in a car I think abt different ways to get in an accident cuz if I get killed in an accident it won't be suicide. Sometimes when I'm smoking, I intentionally burn myself to feel something-anything. And I've cut before bt I am just too much of a coward to do anything harmful(which might be a good thing bt for me its just another failure). God! I'm sick of being sick!
I always seem to write something negative thread and I'm sorry for that cuz our post are supposed to help others get better bt this is the only place where I know that I can be my true self n people r gonna understand.

[Vyseria]

Yeah I am sick of being bulimic too...har har (no offence/patronising tone intended) and yeah suicide has appealed to me.
But as you said, it'd hurt too many others.
I don't know what to say but give solidarity - it's tough that's why places like this exist.
But if anything, in the good moments when bulimia isn't around, enjoy the moments you do feel and savour them, as then when you are feeling numb, you know that the feeling of deadness isn't forever.

Not to mention suicide is hard and can go wrong and messy in so many horrible ways- power on through ok?

[Ana13]

Yeah I am sick of being bulimic too...har har (no offence/patronising tone intended) and yeah suicide has appealed to me.
But as you said, it'd hurt too many others.
I don't know what to say but give solidarity - it's tough that's why places like this exist.
But if anything, in the good moments when bulimia isn't around, enjoy the moments you do feel and savour them, as then when you are feeling numb, you know that the feeling of deadness isn't forever.

Not to mention suicide is hard and can go wrong and messy in so many horrible ways- power on through ok?

Thanks for the reply. I think I just needed someone who understands this whole thing. Cuz I recently told my two close frens abt my ed n they took it so lightly and I've been feeling worse abt this whole thing 😒

[thebeautifulbonesiwant]

I can totally relate to this... I hope you aren't hurting too much today. Message me to chat, we're in the same place xx

[Thelma]

Hey Ana13,

I feel sorry for you feeling so bad that suicide and/or self-harm seems like a serious option.
I just want you to know that (partial) recovery is always possible, even after what seems like a lifetime of ED. I have been bulimic for over 19 years now, and I have made several suicide attempts which were directly related to my utter despair about being unable to break the b/p cycle.
It sounds silly, but committing suicide is actually harder than it seems, and yes, as Vyseria says, it can go horribly wrong. My sister found me after my first attempt (overdose) and there was blood all over the place and she must have felt so shocked and terrified, I still feel guilty about that.

As much as it seems to be forever, there will be times when you will be better able to fight the ED and to find things enjoyable in life again.
For now, please grasp on to every little straw or glimmer of hope, and try to find help dealing with your problems. It is a hard topic to discuss with friends as they will not know how to respond. Maybe you could talk to a school counselor or ask for a referral from your GP?

[blue_briar]

Sorry to hear you feel that way I also have suicidal thoughts but not as severe. For me, its really just the thought that if I didn't wake up tomorrow and died in my sleep... or got hit by a bus/train and died instantly - I wouldn't be sad for myself. In other words, I really want out of this life but I wouldn't be willing to take my own life because a) I'd feel like a coward for giving myself tranquility but leaving my family to suffer and b) I wouldn't be able to go through with it - I don't think you can call that being a coward though, I think it means we have the will to live - some hope...even a little bit.

I have suicidal thoughts on the same wave length though - about wanting bulimia to end..wanting the ED to go away and stop haunting me with unhealthy/traumatising/stressful/anxiety provoking thoughts. And what really makes me depressed is the thought that I will probably never be fully 'cured' even if I am in recovery...Its the same with anyone suffering a major mental illness. That thought of 'forever' is so depressing in itself.

but the good part is we're not alone, and others have come out of this with recovery stories that are very powerful and we can gain strength from that. To know that we can get better one day xxx

[AnaLieseFrank]

I was just thinking if i should die and then tapatalk notified me of this thread. How did it know? Im super depressed and super fat compared to last year

[Hungryhungryhannah]

hey i can relate as well. earlier this year i came to a place of utter despair, with the b/p cycle being a major part. i did make some attempts on my life- which landed me in a psych ward. Anyway, the help and support i received there relieved my suicidal feelings some, and i'm beginning to see there is life outside of the twisted world we live in. i strongly encourage you to use these strong emotions to fuel an attempt at recovery. sending love and prayers your way x

[blue_briar]

I was just thinking if i should die and then tapatalk notified me of this thread. How did it know? Im super depressed and super fat compared to last year

Hey sweetie, we're all here to support you through this tough time. We've all been there xx