[Note: Oh brother, this is going to be long.]
[Warning: Over-dramatic thread.]

Hello! My name is Aisha.

I was born in Abu Dhabi, UAE and live here.

I am 16 years old and my birthday is on 7th July.

I started reading fanfiction when I was about twelve. That is when I then devoted all my attention to my computer, and my computer respectively. As English is not my mother-tongue, reading stories helped me a lot in improving my English and grammar overall. As I was reading stories, I simultaneously started writing them as well. From twelve till recently, I was peacefully reading and writing stories when my account on the website (that I wouldn't mention because even though they're ignoring my messages of me requesting them to bring my account back, I pay my respect because I literally grew on that website. That website helped me in storing English language into my memory well, haha) was abruptly deleted and I tried millions of ways and searched through every path but could not get my beloved account back. I have now lost interest in writing and find it bland to try writing a story when an idea comes up in my mind because no avail; maybe this account would be deleted too.

I know if you have reached till here, you might be wondering what the actual hell I'm talking on a website where none of this matters. Well, me discovering fanfiction actually has a deep connection, a conjoined root with me becoming anorexic to a point my stomach would scream for me to vomit the food out because it felt like it did not belong there.

I don't quiet remember how I stumbled upon 'anorexia' or 'eating disorders' whatsoever, but what I do remember, is that I realized I first had anorexia when I was in grade 8, that is two years ago.

My computer's memory, I don't know for some reason, removes old history automatically, and it is a setting I cannot change, nor I can retrieve my history old back and fetch the date of when I stumbled upon something with the words 'thigh-gap' 'hip-bones' and 'anorexic weight' or 'anorexic waist measurement' in the search history.

As I said, I was in grade 8 when I became anorexic.

I spent my life pretty okay in school. Our school never had bullies and all the joking, shoving, and locking bathroom doors from the outside were rituals strictly between friends. Nothing too serious for the teachers that they'd be alert and take actions. Never. Yes, there have been cases when someone miss behaved, but nothing major like bullying: both verbally and physically, and it wasn't because our school was good at maintaining it, oh no, it was just that, no one was interested in overpowering the 'weak'. In our school, bullying was done through grades; the typical way. Get it?

Yes, there have been this teacher who would grab my arm real hard and tell me to 'stop jumping,' in grade 3 whilst we assembled for a speech, and I was not even near jumping, but sometimes there ARE teachers who hate students for no reason, right?

I changed schools when I just finished my 2nd grade because our school was closing up. I, till this day, never got to know the reason, a lace between the words 'property issues', 'demand of government' and whatnot. The school did re-open in another place just a few miles away from my house but it opened up too late: I had already joined another school. I think that is both a blessing and a curse for me. Blessing, because I would've never met the friends who have stuck to my side from grade 3 til now. A curse because well, I've hated this school the day I joined it. I hate every brick in every wall in this damn school. Seriously. Hate this school with the deepest core of my gut.

I do follow a religion, although I don't consider myself religious, nor do I shove my religion down someone's throat. I don't care if you're atheist or a religious person. If you're nice to me, I'd be nice to you. Simple as that. But the thing is, I grimace every time I find out a 6 to 12 year old has a phone. I don't know why. Cannot the parents wait til their kid reaches 13 and give them a phone? I mean, a 6 year old knowing about sex. How ridiculous. Oh God, I want to shrivel up and die whenever I think about that. Anyways, in this school, I was once walking around, enjoying the weather, because this place is hot as fuck, and there's RARELY any cold air. Having some is refreshing, both to mind and well, the weather in general. As I was strolling when I passed this group of girls not more than 14 years old, talking how they always try to point out and see which teacher is pregnant and whose not. When I heard this conversation, I simply just made a face whilst giving them a glace as I turned around for a couple of seconds.

You are fourteen. What would you get by doing THAT? Anyways, if it's their life, they can do whatever they want. Oh God I feel like a judgmental person. I am sorry. I promise I would never do that again.

When my anorexia started, it was... basic anorexia (?). Nothing major. Just starving myself at night and being delightful when I could feel my hipbones. I told one of my friends I had anorexia, and me and her, and a couple of friends had broken into an argument and she just spluttered out, "I am your friend. I never told anyone you had anorexia!" Yeah. You just said that out loud in front of all my friends. Thank you for being trust worthy! No, really. Thanks.

Never mind. She went to our home country (sorry cannot mention!) anyway. She was someone who, when our friends were laughing at something, called me ugly. I don't know if they heard it, but I did. Because she said it right in front of me. Her jokes had always been merciless. She was someone who always was friends with someone her 'level', she was pretty with money, and my best friend was that.

Me? Psh. Ugly and lower than mediocre. Never good enough.

My basic anorexia had been nothing major until I reached grade 10. In grade 10, now, is when I have started to count calories, excessively exercise and make myself vomit. Before grade 10, I didn't even know what calories were, believe me. When I saw pictures that said that a single piece of cake has 100 calories, I'd be like eh, like I even know what that is. And now I try to find food of 100 calories and then exercise to burn the calories I just took in.

Before I get into another topic, I want to make something clear.

I have a best friend who lived near my house since, I don't know. I got to know her by my older brother who was best buddies with her older brother. We met when we were in grade 2 but then in different schools, and are fortunately still best friends.

We are pretty much the same. Think the same, like the same, and whatnot. The thing is, she is like, the better version of me.

She had always had grades better than me. Growing up in a house where your two older sisters are in the medical field and you're barely getting passing marks, life can be...a little difficult. I was alright when I was admitted in grade 3, and lost my track from grade 5 till 8, but in grade 9 I started getting better grades. Since I have gotten under the Senior Girls' Wing in our school when I entered grade 9, I had become a class monitor, class president, and I am now, a prefect. I fully credit God for that. It's all in fate.

The thing is, this jealousy shit had started in me just in 10th grade. This is the grade when I started over thinking, how she was better than me in so many ways. She was better looking than me, had better grades than me, teachers liked her better. How my heart burns every time a teacher calls her up, rather it be that her type of uniform is the one allowed, her writing gets praised, when me and her both write something rebellious on our exam papers, MINE is the one that gets crossed out by the teacher, and a lot of other things that are absolutely bullshit and laughable, yes, they do bother me to a point where killing myself or running away and never coming back seems like SUCH a better idea than to wake up the next morning in the same bed, walk to the same school, greet the same friends, etc.

We just got our tests back. I was the one who learnt whole 2 books of Arabic. My best friends cheats the whole paper from me because she doesn't know Arabic. Guess who got better grades? Not me!

I am tired. I cannot attend this school anymore. This school is killing me.

My father died two years ago in August because of a heart attack. Even though I'm embarrassed to confess this, my mother and brother cannot afford homeschooling me. Nor they can afford me leave this school and admit me into another. I'm just stuck here until my oldest sister returns after she finishes her house-job, gets a proper job here so I can escape this hell hole.

Not going to lie, I am not an impatient person. I cannot help it, I am in grade 10, don't know shit about math, language, social studies, computers, and other subjects. I wish I knew that I'd end up here, like this, helpless if I had joint this school. I have official exams in March. My mom and brother cannot afford to put me into tuition so I can practice math and get good marks and join commerce group like my beloved best friend.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore.


I'm just living everyday with emptiness refusing to let me go.

Wake up: Drink tea. If I end up eating more than a cookie, skip lunch. If I do lunch, make myself vomit, jog until my abdomen throbs with pain, do leg raises until my legs buzz, crunches until my upper arms ache.

What more do I do? I prepare breakfast for my mom. Heat up food for my brother. Get on the internet and listen to music. Occasionally complete my homework. Tea for mother after 6 pm. Heat food for my mother for dinner.

Go to sleep.

Wake up.

Repeat.

I did not post this for people to show me sympathy and shower me with pity. Please do not do that. I just want people to know that I haven't been in a lot of shit. But there is a future. If you cannot solve the problem you're stuck in now, do not worry. As happy days pass, bad days would too.

My thread is open for everyone who's going through a hard time. I may be a shit adviser, but talk to me. Shed the weight off your shoulder. Heads up, buttercup. Happy days are coming.

Yours Truly,
Aisha.