am i addicted to my EDNOS?

[stonerwithanED]

It has taken me 8 years to realize that I am my eating disorder. I love and hate it so much. I love that I can starve myself and not feel physical pain. But the mental pain... it just never goes away. no matter how many "life wellness" techniques Ive tried or how many people Ive tried to talk to, the mental pain will never go away. Idk if Im the only who feels this way, but sometimes I feel like my EDNOS is going to leave me with a form of PTSD when I'm older. My eating disorder has become such a norm. I have completely 100% successfully eliminated breakfast out of my diet. Before my disorder, I used to wake up every morning and if I didn't eat breakfast within 10 mins of waking up, I would get extremely dizzy and almost pass out.. Well i think I slowly became addicted to this feeling because I started ignoring the pain. I didn't let it phase me. and after a while, I just stopped feeling anything at all. Sometimes I can go a whole day without the tiniest bit of pain in my stomach. But I know that isn't good for me and Im trying to study to be a nurse so Ive been doing this whole "force feeding" thing... which kinda works.. but the mental pain is just too strong... I feel as if I maybe addicted to my eating disorder. I don't want to get help because I don't want to stop. I LOVE starving myself and then looking at my body in the mirror and imagining all the fat gone in a week.

does anyone else kinda feel this way? I would love for anyone to reply with your story.

[MorteRosa]

That really doesn't sound that bizarre to me even though it should.

During the week days, I never have breakfast, as I would have to get up earlier than 4am just to eat... Don't get me wrong, I LOVE food but I love sleep more... Not happening. Rarely will I grab a small bite to eat before I leave for work but if I do, it's something like yogurt. On the weekends, I let myself eat more and during the week my "meals" consist of cereal. I work with kids and am up a lot but I feel fine without breakfast and don't usually eat lunch. I feel hungry but it's not too overpowering. When I get home, I eat a bowl of cereal and I'm good. I do feel the hunger later on as the evening progresses but I like knowing that I only ate once that day. I like going to sleep knowing that. I know that what I do is wrong and at times I get scared but... I like the high that I get from having eaten nothing all day. I like feeling empty and hungry and knowing that I chose not to eat when my body was telling me to.

Not eating really does make me feel emotionally good sometimes. I'm in your same boat in that, I'm probably addicted to starving or at least the feeling that results from it. I do want to get better and I know that it is (in part) a coping mech and (in part) something I do because of my perfectionism and the fact that I never feel good enough but there is still some part of me that does not want to let it go, give it up. I've written on here before that I feel like eating disorders could be a different form of self harm. It's horrible and I hate it but I'm also at such a place in my life where it doesn't really matter.

I feel like that may have been a bit confusing so, in short, I totally get you.

[KaffeeKaethe]

To me (or as far as my knowledge goes) eating disorders are some kind of addictions. In german (which is my mother tounge) they are even called addicitions: anorexia is "magersucht" [slender/gaunt-addiction] and bulimia is ess-brecht-sucht [binge-purge-addiction].

So I guess feeling addicted to whatever the eating disorder gives you (viewing yourself as skinny, the "hunger-high" of starving, the binging or even the purging) is actually what defines and fuels the disorder.

I don't know if that made any sense, but anyway I can totally relate to the feeling of not wanting to stop your behaviors, because they give you a good feeling - the high that many addicts need and which keeps them engaging in their addiction even though they know that is it actually bad for them.

[happylittlehoneybee]

I'm just addicted to the fact that I am so versatile. That I can switch eating disorders so quickly. I'm addicted to the fact that I can rationalize extremes and it doesn't bother me at all. So sometimes I can starve, sometimes I can binge with laxies, or sometimes I b/p. I'm addicted to not having to stick to one particular thing, unlike the rest of my life

[haifisch]

I, even at a normal weight and addicted to the empty feeling. It's just so euphoric and clean.

[MorteRosa]

The starving induced euphoria is quite addicting. I think I mostly fit the Anorexia restrictive and purging type because sometimes when I do eat I purge through either lax or exercise or of course restricting the next day/s.

[BoatShoes]

I don't know that I'm addicted exactly, but so conflicted. I know that if I just ate I'd probably feel a bit better and it would be nice to just "let go" and not worry about every calorie...but, I just can't let this beast go. I'm anxious and it helps me feel in control... That's hard to give up.

The mental pain never lets up whether I'm doing better or worse...so part of me figures at least the ED is a good way to distract from my "issues". Meh. This crap gets old fast.

[Seeminglyme]

Hard to imagine not being addicted. I'm addicted to hunger to exercise to hunger to purging when necessary to my ED for sure

[MorteRosa]

It's weird because I feel as though the sensation of hunger pretty much sedates negative feelings I may be experiencing. Like now, I feel like crap because I swear I'm getting fatter by the day and I wanna ball my eyes out but then I felt a hunger pang/grumbling and it made me feel somewhat relaxed. Better. Don't get me wrong, I'm still freaking out but each time my stomach growls, I feel eased.