realizing it's back.

[faded468]

so about a year and a half ago i was 75lbs and inpatient rehab for anorexia. i jsut didn't eat, i had only thrown up maybe twice before but i just prefered to starve myself.

after i got out i went to a new school and made lots of friends, loved my life never thought twice about what i ate and still stayed pretty slim but in a healthy way.

i am 5'3.75 (lol yes the .75 matters!~) and between 98-102 lbs..my scale is different every time. so i'm an average weight.

but i'm ALWAYS hngry. and because of this i eat a LOT.

for the past few months i've been purging like a couple times a week whenever i feel too full or something, but the past 2 weeks i've been purging after dinner every day.

i eat normally throughout the day and keep it all down except when it comes to dinner.

i don't know what to do because i am always hungry so if i didn't purge i would definitely gain weight...i really don't want it to become serious again, but i don't really want to stop. i go back and forth between thinking i should lose weight and just wanting to be healthy.

also i dont know why i'm constantly hungry.

i'm 16 by the way.

i just don't know what to do...i hate myself

[Thru_The_Looking_Glass]

I kno how you feel... Ive been bulimic for 7 years and have been recieving treatment for about 2 years (Im 21 by the way). I just went the longest i have ever gone without purging in 7 years, 5 months, and then i slipped up. I told myself it was just once and then 5 days later i did it again, then again at my bfs apartment this weekend (which ive never done),and then yesterday i bought an entire cake to eat. I ate the cake in phases, purging in btw, and then created other meals to binge on. I ended up purging 4 times last night. Im so upset, i feel like its creeping back.

What makes me so upset is that this disease never goes away. We will always obsess over food and weight. It may get easier over time, but the thoughts are always there, and relapse can happpen at any moment. I feel like im constantly on my toes and always have to be cautious. Does anyone else feel like this?

[pinkprincessbelle]

I agree......it's always there! Even when I was in recovery I wasn't really! It was always obsessing about food whether it was eating too much or even when I thought I was being healthy I was reading nutrition labels on all foods and restricting and exercising became obsessive!

Ed's are a horrible disease!

[sarah-charlotte]

it never goes away, i was in recovery for almost a year and in that time i never once felt good about my shape/size/weight. i kept having to tell people to stop bringing things up, little comments aimed at me like "oh i wonder how many cals are in that" not fricking helpful as i already had those thoughts - they are always in my head no matter where i am. it just got ridiculous, kept thinking "ok iv recovered physically, when is my head gona let me move on?" u cant, ana will always be with me so in the end i just told myself "u will always have bad days, u will always have that hurt so u may as well be thin!" cant fix inside, can fix outside. maybe find some peace in the challenge.
im just gona be really careful - i don't want to go back to mia but iv allready purged once this week, god i just don't know how to prevent mia coming back. i can but try, hope for the best but im promising nothing! hopefully ana will keep my mind too clear and quiet to think about binging/purging/laxies ect.

[pinkprincessbelle]

Always in your head! Always! Fuck it! But I must admit I love ana! She is my best buddy!