This is hard to describe.
When I was about 18 I took my first overdose. Over 12 years ago... I was so out of it at the time I had no idea what was happening. But my aunt found me after I'd taken a shit load of tablets. Possibly prozac. Can't remember.
Ambulance took me to hospital. "too much cider" and sent me home.
Then I was having trouble speaking. I remember being in the car unable to talk and trying to communicate this. Couldn't.
I was taken to a and e then psych ward etc. Then learnt that my tongue had rolled so far back I had begun swallowing it but hospital had missed it.
Now I have this crazy fear that I shall swallow my tongue. I have deep mistrust that doctors have any idea what they are doing. Having had panic attacks in a and e and psych, there is zero evidence that i can be helped. And so this anxiety plagues me constantly
"it's pyshically impossible to swallow your own tongue, vodkill" i'm told
But no it's not!
And once the idea sets, it's hard to get rid of it. So I don't panic in "typical" sense. I just go into blind fear that has left me crawling on hospital fears because i am fucking terrified of my own anatomy. And every single day it's there. Not the fear of dying itself. Just the horrible f'king fashion
They claim I had a psychotic break and perhaps so. But facts are facts. I can't rid myself of this fear.
So when I barf (9/10 unintentionally) I am freaking to the max i'm going to choke