Studf

[Anoi]

i prob should put in private forum but i dont care being slightly drunk and more than a little lazy couldn't be bothered. Anyways was gonna say about shit that been on my mind lately. Like pretty pathetic being like still wrapped up in shit from when you like a kid and it all seems like no big deal but feels it you know? Like i was here a few years ago when I found about my grandfather being a bit of a peervy creep and having bit of memories about that. I know I didn't say much about that back then but anyways my point is that that stuff is like nothing compared to other stuff that seems like no big deal. Like no big deal your mothers put downs and making everything you do sound crazy and treating your pretty normal child behavour like there something seruosly wtrong with you and getting all the fuckin doctors to agree and get labeled ADHD kid and get the stigma and feeling hated by all becausde you a bad person no matter how hard you try and any emotional reactions are just further evidence of your crazy. And it was not just that but all these drs getting glasses and hearing tests and IQ tests and all this shit further increasing your anxiety and feeling more and more an outcast. every time a school report wasnt perfect or if i cried over my brothers treatment of me i was overly emtional an was something wrong with me. I was out of control. and as I got older I was "manipulative bitch" and all this other shit.
Anyways my point is like you would of thought that kinda sexual stuff would have more of an impact on a kid but I kinda only rember that stuff as just a bit awkward. it is my mothers tearing me apart that has messed me up and I am still incapable of being any sort of uninhibited and growing up unable to get help because shame and hating myself for always being horrible and all wrong with me. And I still fucking can't get help even though I am really trying to cause I really need help with this ptsd stuff from shit later in life. Just so much self doubt. And like why should I be fuckin complaining. everyone hates their mother and blames her for shit whether its her fault or not. it's fucked to put my shit on her when she probably just trying to do her best and all.... but it really never seemed like that. I know people bitch about feeling unloved... I reckon I was just always going for not hated. I'm not sure if she is a narcissist or i am crazy ungrateful bitch with a mother who was just loving and trying her best. I dunno anything anymore. Never know if the shit that happens to me is abuse or if I am just a shit and pathetic person

[Anoi]

Yeah I don't make any fuckin sense. You have to be in my messed up mind to get what the fuck i talking about. just lots of huddled somewhere crying alone shit.

[Chew]

Awwwe don’t cry, I’m here.