I went through a period of time some years ago where I wouldn't know if I could find the will to even live, much less get out of bed. That repeated last year with me trying to control chronic migraine with Topamax (that landed me on suicide watch for like 2 weeks due to it dropping my serotonin levels too low). Now it's repeating again with social distancing, not being able to go to the Zoo and the local amusement park (my usual "I'm looking forward to this! places), having to do teletherapy, not being touched, etc. I told my therapist that I didn't want to live in a world like this - a world where people are covering their faces and are afraid to touch people because of a freaking virus.
I'm so touched starved, it's bordering on ridiculous. My best friend hugged me a few days ago and I started sobbing. I don't feel okay in this world and if this is what life is going to be like, then I want none of it.
There's a difference between being alone and being isolated. I'm isolated and I'm sinking deeper into that isolation. I know that eventually this WILL end. The economy is already beginning to open in stages. I'm categorized as essential. I'm a grocery store employee. They have taken care of us through this and are even covering the cost of mental health counseling through June 1st. I have had a job throughout this. While I am thankful for this, it still makes me weary to be around so much fear and panic.
I'm tired of masks. I'm tired of not being touched. I'm tired of people being afraid to be around others. I'm tired of the masks setting my asthma off. I'm tired of my MOM being afraid to touch me for fear she may have it and may give it to me. I'M SO FREAKING TIRED.
I'm tired of dealing with dysthymia, BPD, and an eating disorder having a freaking ping pong match with my thoughts. I'm tired of feeling isolated. I'm tired of feeling sick. I'm tired of being hungry. I'm tired of being an emotional wreck. I'm tired of having to track what I eat so my therapist can at least keep tabs on me - even though I'm not being 100% honest (so, uh... what am I even doing then?). Most of all...
Most of all, I'm tired of being tired.
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COVID-19 bringing up old demons (TW?)
Last edited by pianokitten; 05-17-2020 at 05:02 PM.
The only opinion that matters to me is God's opinion of me and He sees me as His precious child!! ♥
I used to think there was no hope for me, that my life would never change. Then I started listening to God & realized I will be okay. ♥
Relapse is not a sign of failure, it's a sign of trying too hard for too long without taking the time to truly love yourself. ♥
"What other people think of you is none of your business!"
-Anonymous
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im sorry you're struggling rn. i hope things have gotten better since then. can you go for a walk? or get a pet? something to keep you company and distracted.
stay safe
Un suicide élégant est l'oeuvre ultime d'art
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I feel this hard. All of it.
I cried all of April and watched netflix.
My love languages are physical touch and quality time and the lack of both are really getting to me too.
Sending you a virtual hug.
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