Feeling lost... should I do it? (LONG, irrelevant vent)

[chassevide]

This seems familiar... I think I penned a VERY similar rant in my middle school diary...

A little over a year ago, I was in a relationship with a guy who I thought was perfect. He was smart, cute, funny, and we had similar interests and opinions, right down to how we liked our coffee. But I broke things off with him shortly before he left for a school that was pretty far away from where I am now. He's visiting his family for the holidays and is considering moving closer. I'm reasonably certain that he still likes me (at least a little bit) based on friends who have kept up contact with him, and I've been thinking about him a lot recently.

But when we were together, I was a huge bitch. I had very recently quit counselling for ED, so some of my actions could be chalked up to that, but there's still no excuse to be as cold I was. I rarely let him touch me (literally anything - even arm around the shoulder stuff) because I can't stand my body and I didn't want him to hate it too. It sounds so cliche, but it's hard for me to let people get close. I don't want to be vulnerable and I don't want anyone to find anything that they don't like, so it's much easier just to block them out. With that, I felt that he tried to get comfortable too fast. We went out once, and I was immediately his girlfriend. I even met his family, and his father was absolutely terrifying. I, on the other hand, would have died before he met my eccentric parents and dysfunctional family. He gave too much too fast and I got scared, so I froze up. I think that if we were able to take things more slowly this time, we might be able to work well together. When I spent time with him, I enjoyed his company, but afterwards I was scared and uncertain. There was too much wrong with me to really enjoy the relationship itself.

I don't think I've gotten any better. But soon, I'll be in counselling (got too bold hiding food! yay!), and maybe it will work this time. He won't be visiting much longer, and I would really like to see him again. So, all that is to say, would it be unfair of me to put my issues in his hands again? He didn't know about the ED, but he got the effects all the same. I don't want to hurt him again and I don't want his family to hate me for doing it the first time. I want to see him again. Just to talk like when we were friends, even if nothing comes of it. But if we meet up, I don't want anyone to know. I don't want to rush into something I'm not ready for (again) and I don't want to idealize what we were into something that we weren't. Is that selfish? Probably. But should I reach out to him again? If anyone has any advice, I'd be so glad to hear it.

[Boney M]

After reading your post, I say, yes, you should get in touch. I cannot articulate why.

[B/P_Machine]

you gave a lot of reasons why you dont want to be in a relationship. my question is what are the reasons that you do?

[chassevide]

Thanks for the responses! Reading back, I feel a bit melodramatic, but oh well.

To (try to) give an answer, it mostly comes down to this particular person. When we were together, especially at the beginning, we seemed to get along really well. He made me laugh and he was easy to talk to. We really were very similar, and I think I miss having someone to spend time with who knows what I’m feeling and sees the same world that I do. I’ve missed talking to him a lot, since I don’t have many friends who think the same way. However, I don’t know how much of my wanting to see him is fear of missing an opportunity, as I don't know if he'll move closer or even how long he's staying. I think you might be right, B/P Machine, I may have too many reasons why I don't want a relationship to get in touch just yet. Maybe I should wait to see if he stays or goes, and see what feels right?

[B/P_Machine]

i think as uncomfortable as it may feel, ultimately communication and honesty is key. i truly wish this works out for the best whatever you decide. and remember to take care of yourself as best as you can as an individual as well. you must first love yourself before you can offer and receive love with others.

[chassevide]

Thanks so much for your replies, you've both helped me out a lot. I appreciate it so much!