Shit, I have the right to live this way

[Professorana]

My husband told my therapist that I've been purging again. I feel like such shit--I'm so embarrassed by the loss of control and loss of composure implicit in the binge purge cycle. I don't care if she knows I have an ED--I'm an adult, I have the right to starve myself as I see fit. She asked me how many calories a day I'm eating and I told her "under 1000". She was like, "well that means weight loss, you should be eating 1500 a day." She must be nuts. What I didn't tell her is that most days I'm fasting.




avalanche is sullen and too thin
she starves herself to rid herself of sin
and the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin
and she says:
hey baby can you bleed like me?
c´mon baby can you bleed like me

[ella_bella]

I don't know about you but I think it a bit patronising that a therapist is pointing out to someone with ana that they should be eating 1500 calories a day. Really, aren't you more likely to know that than anyone else? What an idiot. As if reiterating the fact is going to change anything!

[Ram90011]

I know what you're talking about, with people telling you what you should be eating and shouldn't. I was over my friends house the other night and he kicked me out, because I happened to say that I am not happy with how I look. Like he took me by the arm and told me it was time to go home!! I mean that was bothersome, but what got me really angry was this morning. I carpool with another friend of mine. She saw I didn't take any of my usual 100calorie packs and asked me what I was going to eat. I told her to not worry about it and she flew into a rage. Then I started getting annoyed and told her to mind her own business, it's not her body or her concern. That still hasn't shut her up. But the good thing is I went the whole day without eating anything but a small 100 calorie bagel with some cheese. Usually I get a headache and need to eat something during the day, but for some reason, I was fine all day!!

But anyway forget the therapist. I mean it is your body and your right. You should do what you want, even though others don't agree. It doesn't affect them. They only have a say when it's their body, that is my philosophy.

[Catalina]

That's great for her if she can be happy eating normally. Obviously we all wish we could. But if we aren't, we've got to please ourselves before we can please others. Even if that means starving.

[pinkprincessbelle]

Oh how annoying! One of my flatmates put the whole guilt trip on me (after he found my diet pills which I'm not even taking!) about how I was hurting him and if I didn't stop he was moving out. And how I'm so silly cause I teach kids about nutrition (I'm a dance teacher) and I should know better! Theother one though was really cool and told me he knew it wasn't my fault and that he had done some research and understood as much as he could! He even talked to someone he knew that has a daughter who had anorexia. We had a long talk and it was really nice to have someone not play the blame game.

Hang in there Professana!

[Professorana]

My husband and Dr are more freaked out by the purging than they are the ana which is great! My Dr isn't so concerned about me loosing weight, he seems to think I'll have the good sense to eat something before I pass out and that's all he's worried about. I can fast for weeks and my husband dosen't really notice but leave the table after a meal to purge and all holy hell breaks loose. So, it's me and ana--and I love her.

[Ram90011]

That's great! It's good that they understand you and are willing to let you be.. My friend still brings it up.. but not that much since I told her to shut it.

[dog_trainer]

I know how annoying friends can b.
4 years ago few friends invited me to a "party' - then i found out they wanted to talk n they lectured me etc. Bt over the years they got tired of nagging me .
I live with a great housemate, she knows about me- bt only few times said anything. She just knows to own her own bussines . I dont even need to hide my diet pills. & my folks rarely visit [n never without a call- so i can hide stuff].
About the therapist -maybe u should leave her n find another 1.
About u'r husband- im sure he's worried- so its hard to hide- bt he could'nt know if u purge wn he's at work or u r at work.
And as u said- u always have Ana.
Stay strong!

[Professorana]

The truth is I hate purging--hate the feeling of being full in the first place so if I don't put myself in situtations where I have to put on the perfomance of eating, then I'm ok. I much prefer ana but I have no alternative but to purge when I'm forced to eat. That's why I'm so freaked out about the holidays. We have about 4 different places to go over Thanksgiving and the Christmas is the same nightmare. I'm at the point where I just don't give a crap if people see me nibbleing raw veggies rather than Turkey and stuffing but it's still a huge headache to be put in front of all that food.

[Professorana]

My life is utter chaos and I'm so panicked and anxious over the mess it's in. I've been fasting for weeks and all I see is this monstrous blob in the mirror every morning. The scale won't budge despite eating nothing but 10cals of vegetable broth in the evening. When will I change, when will I be beautiful, when will I feel pure, purged and clean??? I hurt so much