......because im new to this forum lark and frankly i want to spill ze'beans.

To paint the picture for you im 22, ive been 'mia' as people so lovingly call it for 3 years, its not extreme, its only usually my evening meal, except for when i have a crazy splurge and go hell for leather and throw up everything i put in.

Ive had a rough few yea.....life, ive survived some purely horrific times and i am incredibly strong of character, yet i cant seem to stop this disorder. I tell myself if i really wanted to stop i would and the fact that i have'nt confirms that i actually don't want to.

I have a doting lover who despite his best efforts and his attempts to help me get over it has yet to have an impact my illness, ive never lied to him and i dont pretend everything is ok, i tell him and my best mate how i feel. Yet they can't give me answers nor solutions. I hear them say 'stop, your going to get ill' and all that jazz... yet its water off a ducks back. There was a time when i did get run down and i noticed that my nails were breaking and they shouldn't've been, however that was a while ago now and i look and feel healthy, but a fat healthy.....not a size 8 healthy.

I can't stand when i read comments of 'its you taking control of the only thing you can' ...it bloody well isn't! i have full control over my life...i own my own home and business blah blah. No body has any say over what i do other than me....FACT! ...what it is is me taking the easy road out instead of dieting or heaven forbid excersising.... i purge so i can be lazy....

and it sucks.....but sometimes i like it. i like the feeling of the whole thing....not when i havent had enough liquid with my meal though.....a pint of water is enough with a meal to ease the bulk out without heavy straining....i could be mistaken but im sure during the heavy purges my stomache automatically begins to prepare for the upheaval 5 minutes after Ive eaten....

When i go to people houses or out with them for meals i cannot settle until ive done my thing.....sitting there full to the brim of food physically hurts, thats probably a result of my overindulging but still, i have to get it out so i can relax.

Its a waste of money, when i think of all the pretty shit i could have bought if i was well or if i was just 'ana' instead i get pissed off....

what i need is more willpower and most of all motivation. (as if there wasnt enough already with people ramming size 4 people down my throat....pun intended!)

so on that note im going to walk the two miles to work in my new bid for healthy excersise that probably wont last ore than two days.