Really I just want to cry and complain...

So me and my boyfriend used to be in the same country when we dated and then we both left that country. We never really broke up technically, we still cared about each other and talked all the time. I guess I just got tired of being in this teetering limbo stage where we weren't technically together and we weren't technically apart so I asked him to choose. Except I didn't ask him to choose between being in a relationship with me or not; I asked him to choose between even "a glimmer of a chance of hope for a possibility to be in a relationship in the future when his life calms down" or not speaking to me again for a really really really long time so I can move on.

I guess it turns out that there is sort of someone else in his life that he is not technically with, but he can't commit to me bc of her and because of his other school and work obligations. He tells me he still cares about me and still wants to talk to me, but I just can't handle that. I can't handle talking to him and not feeling sad because I can't be with him. And what hurts the most is that I have a hunch who this other girl is and she is perfect. Petite, skinny, fun, happy, pretty- everything I'm not.

I feel like I am never going to be good enough for him. I feel like I am never going to be good enough for anybody. This same scenario keeps coming back to me, just different guys. Absolutely every guy I have been with has done this to me- left me because I'm just not good enough somehow. There is just always someone better than me. Every guy has an excuse and too many times it revolves around them not having enough time for me.

I guess I knew this moment would come, but I'm too used to it. I'm too used to being left for these same "reasons." I don't fit into anyone's life and I feel like if he cared enough about me then he would make time to be with me. But he obviously doesn't care enough to want to try and make that effort.

He was the first person I trusted after I broke up with the boyfriend prior to him. We went out for maybe 8 months and it took me a year and a half to get over him. I keep trying to tell myself it's not me. Or that maybe that I am doing something to attract the wrong guys and I can improve upon myself and work on my confidence.

I keep trying to keep myself occupied and busy, but essentially I can't even get out of bed long enough or stop crying long enough. I feel so disgusted with myself. I can't eat and I just keep taking laxatives and I hate myself for letting him effect me in this way.